hi guys.

remember i was talking about buying a dress for wedding couple of weeks ago? my dear bought me a super sexy one that we both eyed on at Bebe last week. :)

here are some pictures we took today.







alrighty. time for shower.

boobies......

sometimes they grow, sometimes they don't.

now you see them, now you don't.

my dear bought me a dress two days ago. but i don't have boobs to wear them for. i need to stuff myself like a goddamn turkey. wooooooo... boobies are finally showing. A LITTLE BIT!!!!

MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

its amazing how much my head can think/imagine crap.

its annoying that it is making me nuts. soon i'll end up losing the most important person in my life.

if i am still behaving the same way as i do.

i have hard time going to bed at night. i get energetic. not physically but mentally. it's like my mind just had triple shot of espresso and things just come rushing in.

if only the things i think about is something wonderful, something cheerful. but nope, it's all crap. and i hate them.

now im just freakin tired i wish i could go to bed.

i hope the same thing is not going to happen tonight. i cant take it anymore.

i am a coffee junkie.
i don't know why but i am extremely exhausted for some unknown reason. i feel worn out. the weird thing is, i haven't done a single crap today. oh wait, i did carry some computers around. oh well. yeah that's my job. i spent $$$$$ for my 4 years degree and i finally get to fulfill my dream - computer carrier!!!!

why dont you just fucking kill me??

how long do i have to drag this shit?????

i told my counsellor yesterday.

"it would be great if i have a gun right now"

"i would fire a shot on my head. or maybe in my mouth."

she gasped.

"i am very worried about you, you know? if i am to follow the rules, i need to call XXXXX hospital right now and have you stayed there and be safe. but i know if i do that, i'd scare you and make the situation even worse. there'll be cops and ambulance."

i know that you are worried about me. i am worried about myself too. i am so worried that i wish my brain would stop working already. everything would stop. no more worries. no more thinking. no more sadness. no more.

it's nuts. anyway, i got myself outta the damn clinic. fucking retard. you think i can't lie my way outta you? don't put me in the goddamn hospital, that's like stamping a sign " you are CRAZY" on my fucking forehead.

4 weeks without therapy/medication and i can merely survive. i guess my life's fixed then? i have to see therapist for the rest of my life? i have to take drugs the rest of my days in order to keep myself in a piece? why can't i fucking depend on myself for once??

oh.

i helped my dear's mum decorating her christmas tree yesterday. it was fun/stressful. i wanted to do it right. it kinda bothered me when the ornament i placed was being removed due to the fact that it wasn't in the right spot. i was hurted.

it's weird isnt it? my so called "perfectionist" behavior is getting worse on me. it's just a goddamn ornament for goodness sake and i fucking brooded over it for like a freaking 1 day?

i just want to be a perfect someone.

i feel like crying right now.

i am turning into a freak.

sometimes i don't even know if i am real, or not.

i am not surprised. i have lost my will to work here.

everything's retarded.

most of all. i feel like a retard.

hello all,

yes i am back. after such a long time. i haven't been really busy. well maybe i was a lil busy at work plus there are always eyes behind my back staring at whatever i am doing at my desk.

no privacy.

no privacy at all.

anyway, i am still alive. after my suicide attempt last week. hmm... is this something happy to celebrate about? i am not sure myself. sometimes i am glad that i didnt succeed. sometimes i hate the fact that i am still breathing.

i am still struggling to be alive, anyhow. although i feel like i am losing the spirit, again, today. i just hope that i am not going to do anything silly later tonight. i wonder why does it always happen in the night? it always feels like theres a pair of hands waving at me from the dark, asking me to join all the "free souls". it always sounds tempting to me. how i wish i could set myself free. no more burdens. no more pain. no more worries.

i am so tired of having such short term of happiness. i feel so numb inside that the feeling of joy doesn't stick around for long. for some reason i get overwhelmed with the darkness in my head. the voice that keeps calling me not to wake up.

she said that i am suffering from severe depression.

how severe is severe??



sometimes i feel like i am letting down so many people around who care for me. i feel sorry. but there are times that i think it's time for me to do something for myself. something that i always want to do.

i lived my life listening to what people say. doing what they want me to do. please them. satisfy them. and yet i forgot that this is my life and i do not owe it to them. they dont own my life.

constantly i regret of my past. it haunts me. and i always tell myself that my past is ruining my future. i don't see that my future is going to me any good for me. dont get me wrong. i am very happy with my life with my dear. but theres more to my life that i need to face.

i regret i chose the wrong major. i regret that i didn't stand up for myself. i regret of my behavior when i was young.

my life is full of regrets.

i don't know how to erase them all.

i need a way out.

To respond to s4ints comment..

I believe I have found someone who meant something to me in my life. Well, this whole mood thing is just ridiculous. It’s just me. I think I am just losing faith in living. Lol

Okay, this is not related to what I said earlier. Why is it so hard for other girls to like me? Girls are work don’t seem to be friendly to me. It’s just rude.

I complained too much my whole life. Things seem to be going pretty well for me. Yet I wonder why I am not as happy as I used to be? Okay, I should say that I used to be a depressed person, but I just realized that I am not depressed anymore. I wouldn’t say that I am sad. I just feel numb about every single thing around me. Nothing excites me anymore. When I say nothing, I mean absolutely NOTHING.

Why is it? I wish I know the answer. Maybe it’s one of the depressive symptoms. Oh well.

i was looking for dresses at Arden B and Bebe today. there are two that i kinda like. tell me what ya think if i am to wear it to the dinner?











didn't find any longer ones that i like. at the meantime, tell me what do you think? they are both around $140. it's about the right price i think. well, i might not buy any. just like to take a look. you know, girls. ;)

i'm dead bored sitting here at work. thank god tim's online.

haha this is nuts. he requested me to draw a picture of a giraffe eating a hippo. being extremely enthusiastic with my first given task of the day. i happily sketch him one on paint and here's how it looks..............................

















hahahahahahahahahahaha

let's see what he comes up with my "lion begging a pig not to eat him"............................


















hahahahahaha the lion seems like he just got his hair cut. i totally love the pig though!!



Then i drew a butterfly mixed airplane being attacked by horse-looking car.........................................






















Ahh... not bad right?? hehe

And here's tim's she-male...........................................................



















tim said that this is me....... what do you think? should i kill myself? hehehehehe




how about some peglegged parrot with pirate on his shoulder? which one's better?



we should be artists.

this is weird. good weird.

i never thought that i would wake up in the morning and look forward to come into office to work. i guess i must have been missing work a lot. what can i i say, it's been a week!

anyhooo... i believe it's the fact that i am now tranferred to the other department where the people that i work with, aka colleagues, are much better bunch of people. so yay for me!

enough of work crap. i have to tell you this.

i am not sad anymore!!!!!!


hahahah

i am getting better i think. since i know how to categorize my thoughts and figure out the reasons why i was sad. what caused me sad. it is much easier for me to control my moods/thoughts lately. plus, everything else has been going well (except the fact that my kidneys went nuts on me). i was well taken care of. i am still well taken care of. god i am so pampered and i love it! thanks to that special someone ;) i love you more than i can say!

woooooo... i just realized this. my font colors represent Christmas!! bahahaha..

anywayyyyyyy.......

talked about running away from tossing bouquet. yeah, "stupig_gal" i agree with you that yes, the first reaction we get when the bouquet's being tossed is to run away. yet, we can't wait to look for THE ONE in our life that we could spend the rest of our time with. how contradicting is this?? i guess that's why we are women huh? i don't know. i think the reason why i ran away coz i didn't wanna look desperate to other people?? that could be why. i mean, look at those people who can't wait to stand in front of the line. what the hell are they thinking? don't they know that people are looking at you thinking that... geeeeeez she can't wait to get married. and who knows that her boyfriend might be thinking inside his heart (if the lady has a boyfriend) he must be like "GOD PLEASE HELP ME!"

i didn't want my boyfriend to have that thought. NO NO! i would prefer to wait till the day that i am being asked. hehehehehehe

what the hell am i thinking. i am still so overwhelmed with that wedding i attended yesterday. i cried when my exroommie walked down the aisle. super happy for her. :~)

it is me or what. i start to picture myself in wedding gown and crap. this is so not me. it's freaky. yet it makes me feel good. like a lil girl. hehehehehe


oh yeah. i need to shop for a cocktail dress for his friend's wedding in december. i want to look good. but, december's a BIG month. i need to save money for christmas presents and dress. i think i am going to forsake the latter. hmm... i just don't like to look underdressed compare to other girls. i don't know. gimme some money will ya?? kindly send your donation to my account. i accept paypal too. lol

alright. time for "window shopping". i'll be bAAAK!

whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

wedding ceremony's fun.

ex roommate of mine got married today and we were invited. it's pretty simple yet it's sweet :o)

anyway, being a usual me, i ran away when the bride's tossing the bouqueut. how do you spell the word?? but yeah, i ran away. i don't know why.

ok i cant sit still. hyper time!!

i hate it when i go all ARRRRRGGGGGG. dont step on my tail how many times do you want me to tell you??

yeah you can tell i got better. can see i get all pissed off and stuff. yeah i am definitely back to normal.

fight of the day, #2.

why do people fight so much???

since wednesday, i've been at the hospital taking all kinds of test, blood test, x-ray,urine test, blood culture, urine culture, CAT scan. and yeah, its determined by the doc i am having kidney infection.

very cool. yesterday i was on the wheel chair the whole time.
special thanks to my special someone. without you, i have no idea what would i have become. he's been taking great care of me. kept me company. hush hush me when i cried. hehe carried me outta the car when i couldn't walk. helped me to bathroom and stuff. you are a wonderful person and i am so glad i met you. i love you :o)

yay! my dear also bought me some chocolate covered cherries as a rewards for having my blood drawn n not being scared. heheh i am such a baby eh?

all i know is that,i slept the whole day and i was waken up by him for medicine, for food, for water.

ahhh... i know i dont feel good coz i am sick. but i feel good for knowing that i have found my perfect someone :o)

i am not going to force my muscle anymore!

last night was terrible. TERRIBLE!

the pain woke me up at 2:25am. my waist hurted so bad i couldn't breathe like usual. i had to be extra careful so that my body wouldn't move a tiny bit. then. due to the fact that i missed a few days of my pills. my period started to flow out out of nowhere. my lower stomach hurted so bad. couldn't wait anymore longer. i got outta my bed and took 2 advils.

got up this morning and took another two painkillers just in case i'd be in pain when i'm at work. the thing is, i don't get to sit much at work. i have to test units on the production line/test lab from time to time.

hmm. i can't think when people keep talking around me.

i have to learn how to live with this. its so weird that bunch of office people squeeze together in this teeny tiny room. oxygen doesn't even seem fresh!!!

i'm moved to the new department today. everybody's sitting together as if we are doing telemarketing. no privacy at all. blah.

did some weight lifting yesterday. i'd been stopped doing it since 2 months ago or so. so yesterday pretty much forced myself to work out on my arm and buttocks/thighs. lol

at the end, i strained my waist.

so today i am walking around with one hand supporting my left waist, like i am pregnant. walking super slow with my legs slightly opened wide than before. mind you, my thighs hurt like hell. so yeah, i think i looked pregnant.

now i cant have a slight movement. my waist hurts like theres no tomorrow. i keep my fingers crossed that it'll at least heal a lil bit by the time i wake up in the morning.

ahhh and i took a bath with shower milk and salt. it was absolutely relaxing. lighted up a couple of candles, music being played at the background. i had my lights turned off. one thing i was lacked of - my dear. :o(

hungry. sleepy too. i might as well go to bed now and wake up tomorrow for some hearty breakfast. mmmmm........

i could use a massage now.

ha!

new look! welcome to my humble blog.

yeah i know, i am so free i don't know how to spend my time. instead i woke up early this morning (6:30am) to make breakfast (for myself and my dear). saw him off to his "battle field". and here i am, editing my blog and some crap. got my lil world a new look.

Psst to Chua. this is not "paganism" to you i suppose? hehehe...

couple of my friends say that i am a lil hippy. hippy happy like a hippopotaaamooooos

anyway. wanna know what happened to me yesterday?? ah, you have no choice. lol

i left my desk at work yesterday for lunch. i was driving my way home to grab a bite to eat. my cacat car broke down on me after 5mins. i had to pull over at the side of highway and wait for somebody to rescue me. apparently there's a huge leak at my reservoir tank and the engine coolant was leaking out as if my car was peeing all the way. the temperature went up to HIGH and i was like OH GOD.

jesus, the cars were driving by me so fast. i was stranded in my car for about 40mins or so. i needed to pee so bad. was about to wet my pants actually and thankfully, my ex-bf came and ahhhhhhh saved my bladder.

i was extremely touched when my dear drove all the way from his camp to help fixing my car for me. i bet he was on 90MPH at least. i guess i must have worried him a lot. hehehe i was crying while talking to him. (don't laugh! its terrifying okay. i dont know sh*t about car and it just kinda broke me down as it's been broken here and there lately and i don't have enough money to pamper my car with all kinds of services) immediately i got distress. i started having headache and felt like puking.

my dear got my car fixed, temporaly. we used chewing gum to seal the hole. lol hey, it worked though!

so today, i'm going to wait for him to come back from his "battle field" again to officially repair it.

what am i gonna do without him?

of course. special thanks to my ex. i woke him up. my bladder savior! hahaha

wooo guess what??? i am going out on a "date" with my girl-friend later. i always wanna have a female friend. my best friend is too far away from me(DC) :o(

something's wrong. my skin starts to itch so bad.

alrighty. enjoy the new look. by the way, the song playing at the background is called "teardrop" by massive attack ;o)

i seriously miss my long black hair that i used to curl it at night when i went out drinking. i think i looked more feminine. lol. oh well, now i am just going to wait for months to get my long hair back. can you believe that i didn't cut my hair for 1.5 year and it was hitting my waist before i cut it real short??

I MISS MY LONG HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :o(

i was looking at this the whole time yesterday. since ipod nano's got such bad review on the casing (that it gets scratched real easily and apparently the company is being sued for it), i think i'd better get a cheaper and more functions mp3 player instead. creative micro and microphoto series both play mp3 and also fm radio which is better compared to ipod that doesn't have fm function. i think creative would be a better one to go for.

with my financial condition right now, i think i'll get it after christmas which i believe the price would drop. right now it's sold at $265 for 8GB (it only comes in 8G).

out of 10 colors to choose from, i narrowed it down to 4 colors that i find them attractive to me. i like both the red and green ones the most out of this 4. white looks clean but boring. i don't know? it looks good with the blue LED though. heheheh my dear would faint if he sees this. i bet he's gonna say "i like the black one the best".

what do you think?

i like fun colors ;)

so what happened was, i was promised to have my work visa sponsored.

i thought i would remain happy for the rest of the day after finding out that i don't need to be worried anymore. yet, that stupid messed up mood came back again after 2 hours of joy.

dear god, can't i at least be happy for a day?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!

it just seems like no matter what happened. whether it's good news or bad news, i'm always this walking empty soul. why is that?

when will i be able to taste the joy of life again?

everything seems so meaningless to me. i don't want to go back to that path anymore. it's dark. it's cold.

anyway, i am going to get transferred to another department from next week onwards. yeah that's another thing i was told yesterday at lunch. it's all cool. i am fine with whatever they want me to do.

i've been so agitated lately for no reason. started a few tiffs with my dear and it wasn't very pretty. i felt bad afterwards of my behavior. there is no excuse that i treated him that way. i feel so sorry for him at times, that he has to put up with my weird attitude. although, i know that i've changed quite a bit now compare to before.

i would like to apologize to my first boyfriend for the way i treated him before. i was angry, violent and it was my fault that i exploded so many times in front of you. i beg your forgiveness and there are times when i think back, i can't help it but cry. i was very mean to you. i am very sorry.

sometimes i think to myself. do i deserve to be in a relationship? whatever i do causes pain to the other person. and it drives me crazy everytime i burst into a mad woman i feel so guilty after that. it is swallowing me alive.

i think i am getting sad.

breaking news!!!!!!!!!!

well it's a great news for me.

something that i've been worrying about. now is finally come to the end.

and yes it is related to work.

hahahahahah

now i can breath freely. WHEW!

hi guys.

yesterday was bizzare. without me knowing it, i zoned out the whole time i was here in the office. lucky enough that i had my weekly appointment set up with my favorite lady (well, she's entitled to listen to me blabbling for 1 hour every week). surprising enough, talking to her makes me feel a lot better. she always has her way to make me feel good about myself. well, that's why she's a shrink eh?

let's see. i was crying throughout that whole 1 hour. she likes to ask me question like "do you feel safe?"

of course i answered YES I FEEL SAFE. the last time i told her that i didn't feel safe and stuff, she was gonna put me to hospital. i was made to sign a suicide agreement crap because i insisted of staying OUT of the hospital. so, do you expect me to tell you that i don't feel safe again? i don't think so. :P

whatever it is...

i just came back from a meeting. apparently, there's new rule here. all engineers have to keep a log on the company website to "justify" how much work we have done throughout the day. according to my supervisor, it is to "justify our value in the company". so hmm.... it means, whoever who closes the least incident, he/she will get fired or some sort?

being pushed to the limits. i just closed a case and i don't know why i did it. maybe i am scared of being fired. i might as well be a lil good puppy listens to whatever orders that given from my "masters".

ugh.

i just realized that i forgot to phone home on my grandpa's birthday.

god damn it.

what else can i remember?!

i am back at work today.

the thing is, i am not feeling so well. still have some leftover cold. my head is buzzing. i better not work too much today before i get even more sick tomorrow.

i lost my cubicle. i am going to share cubicle with my colleague. oh well. i don't wanna say much here. i am not very happy about this. this whole, hiring a new guy and switch me to the other department thingy.

i don't think i am needed here in this place. plus i don't wanna be here anyway.

i need a job. i need a job somewhere else.

i believe you don't understand how i feel. it's just so hard to explain.

he told me that it is normal that people don't like their own job. go ask around, you'll see tons of people who'll tell you that, hey i don't like my job too, but i am still doing it.

sometimes, i just think that i am doing something because i have to. not because i want to.

is life supposed to be in this way? you force yourself to wake up in the morning to go to somewhere that you don't wanna go. you feel unwanted when you reach there, you feel threatened, you have to be in full alert because you don't want to get unnecessary attention from line workers. you feel ill, yet you have to pretend like you're so strong. you feel beaten up, yet you tell yourself, it's okay, 8 more hours i'll be outta here. then, time's up, you go home. the next day, same routine, again.

what is the meaning of all these? is money really that important in this world?

i wanna do something that i like. something that i enjoy doing, something that doesn't depresses me. something that makes me feel good about myself. not something that make me look tiny. something that gives me doubts about myself. something that shrink my self esteem to almost non-existing.

do i really need this?

i have so much to do. yet i am losing the motivation to fight for it.

i haven't even apply for my OPT yet. i should do that TOMORROW. oh, and i haven't paid my tuition fees.

$$$$$$$$$$$$

i hate the money world. yet i am part of the world.

why is it that people seem so happy, strong, carefree? look at me? am i way to weak to survive in this rat race?

i wish i could be like the rest of them.

maybe coz i complain too much. well yeah i whine a lot.

i am going to see my shrink tomorrow. didn't talk to her last week and i fell hard. somehow i feel like i am depending on her to make me stand up. i can't depend on shrinks all the time can i?

isn't this embarassing? i am freakin' 24 years old and yet i don't even know how to talk to my head.

i am such a spoiled brat. i want my mummy!!!!

had a wonderful weekend. although i am having a cold :(

saturday, my dear and i went for beer at Claddagh. it was the first time for me to sit down and drink with boyfriend. well, yeah i've never done that before, coz i always thought that it would be boring, just the two of us, what to talk about?? however, it was an awesome night. come to think of it, we both had very bad sore throat that night still, it didn't stop us from yakking. hehehe. then we met a friend who's working at the parking lot. it was pretty damn cold that night. we chatted for at least 15mins at the open air parking lot. brrrrrrrrrrrrrr... i was pretty much jumping around trying to make myself warm. then those big arms came and wrapped around me ;)

sunday we both woke up with terrible terrible sore throat. we had to cancel our plan to here. oh well, it wasn't a bad idea. at least we had a great morning. hehehehe

hey! do you like blackened fish??? we made blackened walleye last night and it was absolutely delicious. wait, is it blacken or blackened?? ahh i don't know. anyway it's cajun cooking. but trust me, you're gonna like it!

today, since i am sick at home but feeling happy at the same time. i decided to take some pictures of my humble psycho-paradize. hehehe enjoy!



this is my bed... where magic happens..... ;) we chose this gorgeous comforter. which i really love the colors. maroon, golden and purple. do you like my wall art? it's beautiful isn't it? i call it "freedom". the lady in the picture is setting a white pigeon free. and i am the pigeon. hahaha well, that's what came into my head and i bought it. you see that thing hanging on top the ceiling above the wall art?? that's my dreamcatcher. my dear got it for me on my birthday. you see, i always get nightmares and so this dreamcatcher is going to chase them away. we just hanged it up yesterday and also put my favorite stuffs in it: turqouise stones and some orangy stones. i got my groovy looking lamp from pier 1. :P



here's a close look of my dreamcatcher. we worked on it yesterday instead of going out in the cold. smart eh. hehehe



this is my "sanctuary" area. i like to sit here surrounded by bunch of pillows and read my books, sip my coffee, light some candles. mmmmmmmmmmmm this is what we call LIFE. the door you see here, opens up to the patio.



this is the door to the bathroom. i like door curtains. so i decided to get this one for my bathroom door since i like to shower with my door opened, so that i could listen to music on my computer.



in case you haven't realized, i am obsessed to candles and candle holders. hehehe my dear got me these candle holders and i thought i should put them in here, my bathroom. hehe don't get me wrong. i could have some romantic time here.. hahah



and this is where poops are made. mmmmkaaay.....



not forgetting this lil picture i have on this other side of my bathtub.


there you go. my lil paradize...................

today is the 3rd day i am skipping work. i woke up crying this morning. i was anxious. scared. worried. emotional. desperate. depressed.

so i took all my stuffs and drove home from his place. i didn't wanna stay, i knew he had things planned out today: get his project done, pick up parcel from the post office. i did not want to drag him into my misery. therefore i told him that i love him and i left, alone.

driving and crying at the same time. i almost hit the mailbox in the neighborhood. first of all, my car was single-eyed (one of the lights was out), second of all, it was freakin 6am and 2 degree celsius out there where there was ice formed on my windshield. it kept fogging up on me. i was already panic inside, the weather and the condition around weren't helping at all. freaked out, i cried all the way home. tried my very best to stay on my lane on the freeway. almost slammed into the car in front of me twice.

both eyes were swollen after i woke up from the nap. later, he called. he came with flowers to cheer me up. i was speechless. i was touched.

i thank him for always be by myside no matter how hard it is for him. i know that it is not easy to constantly make sure that my mind doesn't wander off. i know it is not easy that dating me is like going for roller coaster ride, you can't forsee what is going to happen next, is she going to laugh, or is she going to cry? she is crying. why is she crying? what should i do now?

"all i want is to make you happy."

i always thought that it is my job to keep people happy. it is my job to do things according to people preference. but he shows me that it is okay to be me. he shows me how wonderful person i am.

but, do you know that, i am the wonderful person i am right now because of you. you make me realize that i am not a pile of waste. you make me realize how beautiful life is, how amazing person you are, that i can't wait to see how great my future will be knowing that you will always be by my side.

he always says "it doesn't take much to impress you." yes, he is right and wrong. i am impressed already just by seeing how incredible man he is without him doing anything to prove it to me that he is who i have been seeking for.

I LOVE YOU, my dear.

this is my second day sitting at home. am i really sick or am i mentally sick, i am not sure either. all i know is that i feel unwell all over. it could be my imagination.

my head is weird. it feels so numb as if its wrapped in plastic. i get distracted. i get confused. my eyes feel heavy. it feels like i float when i drive.

i need to pull myself together. if i let myself slip one more time its going to be hard to get up.

what am i gonna do?

yesterday i almost blurted out some thing that i was not supposed to say.

yeah call me crazy. chuaman you know what i am talking and please don't make fun of me. i am not a desperate person!!!!!!

yes. break me shake me take me to the milkyway i am in love.

hahahahhahaha

don't mind me. it's a good day, is it not?

i spoke to HR person after thinking for quite some time. i have decided to file a official complain on those who put my life at work a misery. yeah, you might think, oh come on, people are just giving you a compliment. don't be such a whiny lil bitch.

do you have any idea how much distress these people brought me? i have to think twice everytime i go to work. which entrance should i take today to avoid which particular security guard? which way should i take to go to product engineering office in order to skip those ugly desperate factory workers? how should i walk today so that those bastard won't come and talk to me? okay, walk hard, walk fast, walk like a man.

i mean, what the fuck?! i am here to work. not to train myself how to be a man.

some security guard lady at work stopped me today after i swiped my employee ID. she turned to her colleague and went, " is this the girl?" "yeah"

"somebody likes you at east entrance" (we have two entrances, east and south)

"what do you mean?"

"some security guard like you at east entrance. if yuo go there now you'll see him. he wears glasses"

i started sweating once i heard it. not again, i was thinking to myself. what came to my mind was, now i have to avoid another entrance too?? i dont feel safe at all working at this sh*thole.

he thinks that i should let people know that i have a boyfriend. the truth is, i do tell people that i have a boyfriend. everybody that i work with knows that i have a boyfriend. what do you expect me to do? walk around in the factory, tell every single person that I HAVE A BOYFRIEND SO FUCK OFF!?

i dont interact with security guard, or people down on the production line. i do not have to tell them my personal life because they are those that i see 2 seconds a day and then i will forget who exactly it was that i saw. people come and go. do i have to go around and say hey i have a boyfriend? what kind of impression am i going to leave? i try to be professional. it is insane that i have to tell each and every one that i have short conversation with that hey i am taken. please if you are going to hit on me in the future, remind yourself that i am attached to someone.

i mean, what did i do wrong?

some suggested that i should uglify myself when i come to work. i spoke to my counsellor about it, she thought that it is ridiculous that i have to put myself down to make me feel safe. i have low self esteem and by making myself ugly in front of people isn't going to help to make me a happy person that i always want to be.

why should i even need to consider of dressing myself down (i don't even dress up to work, i wear long sleeves and jeans everyday) why should i even tell people that i have some kind of disease so that they'd stay away from me?

telling people to back off by proving that i am attached makes me feel weak. as in, look, i have a boyfriend so you "cant" like me. no. i want to say look, I dont like you so do not bug me.

do you know what i mean? yes i agree i have weird theory. but i just don't want to use the word "boyfriend" to solve all the problems that i have here. it's like, i can't do crap but to pull my boyfriend into the picture coz boyfriend can solve all the dilemmas i have here at work. what about me?? i want ME to be in the picture. ME to solve my own fucking problem.

i am pissed off. i did not like it when he said
"it seems like you have problem mentioning that you have a boyfriend."

nobody fucking knows what i am thinking.

i am sitting in my cubicle. fyi, we have see through glasses surrounded each cubicle to allow people to have a clear view of what the heck we are doing sitting in front of the computer.

the place where i am sitting, i am facing this other guy who constantly, i say CONSTANTLY, digs his nose.

why is that?

doesn't he know that people can see him?

this is disturbing. i was eating my pigs in the blanket and i had to put it down coz he totally ruined my appetite.

hail to iPod Nano.

Nano nano nano nano nano nano nano nano nano nano... oh nano nano nano.....

hehehehe by the way, that's the song from the Nano candy advertisement on tv when i was a kid. one of my favorite songs that i sing when i'm happy. ( yeah, go ahead and call me weird, i like to sing songs from tv ad)

okay, back to what i was gonna say. i have decided to get myself a iPod Nano when i get my next paycheck!!!! hehehehehe... hey, i should pamper myself by being hardworking waking up at 5am every single day to this sh*thole. *pat myself at the back*

thank you very much.

what? i have pampered myself enough with all the shopping that i did on monday? well, this is different. this is techy pamper. if you know what i mean.

i want a good deal. apple store is selling it for $199 (2GB). i think i am going to go to the store today and touch it. oh..... yeah.....

hehe

i am happy today. isn't it a good thing? i feeeeeeeeeeeel goooooooood.

maybe coz i pooped well this morning. hehehehe

life's wonderful. really. i'm in love.

some lady just walked pass my cubicle. i wonder what kind of perfume she's using. nyquil or something. smells exactly like cough syrup.

makes me sick.

ugh

i enjoy shopping alone. well, i used to go to malls with my roommate. but i can't stand her critisizing everything that i chose. she never has good word for me. so nowadays i decided to go shopping alone.

did it yesterday and spent a good $170 on clothes and also cosmetic. hehehehe...

$170 = RM629. OH MY GOOD LORD!

i'm pretty satisfied after that though. right now i can't wait for my shoes to get arrived from ebay. haha!

still waiting for my finger to heal. have i mentioned that i sliced my finger by accident?? well, i was grabbing the blade of the scissors too tight i didn't realize that i pushed the blade right into my flesh. now this flesh is falling apart, although i am trying hard to stick it back in.

things went pretty well yesterday during doctor visit. it wasn't as difficult as i thought it was to read out my journal out loud to somebody. we are happy of the fact that i can identify what causes me sad and how to tell myself to "let it go". it's hard sometimes but at least now i don't sit in my bathtub and cry for hours not knowing why i'm doing it.

i believe i'll be HEALTHY one day. well, come to think of it. i am healthy today. ehehe

i've been indulging myself with too much of sadness that i created for myself and totally forgot to stop and look around. yesterday, after a long struggle. i am not as pitiful as i think i am.

i am sorry that it's been unfair to you. You've been tyring so hard to make me happy. and yet, i've been hurting myself, what worse is that, i do it in front of you. i know that it must have been painful for you to look at me doing those stuff to myself. i am sorry that i've been telling you words that i don't even mean to say. i was mad. mostly at myself. i hated the fact that i am not a perfect person and you should know what a perfectionist i am.

every little flaws in me bugs me to death. instead of making me a better person, i whined about how useless i am.

i know that i have been such a pills pusher, cutter, self-mutilator.

but today, October 15, 2005. I make an announcement.

I no longer mutilate myself. I stand up high and I am a happy girl that I always am. I am so lucky that i have two hands and legs, i am so lucky that my eyes can see, my ears can hear, my mouth can speak. There is nothing in this world that is so hard. I will go through everything. I will be strong.

Nothing can beat me down.

people at work try to bully me in everyway they can. i used to be shy about voicing out or talking back. things are different now. i can see changes in me.

today, somebody from the warranty department (what they do is to fix computers with bunch of weird problems, they have better knowledge about computers compared to the technicians, so what happen is, when stuff happens on the production line, technicians would fix them, else, they'll go to slam units, or then warranty and lastly if warranty people have no clue how to solve the mystery, they'll come to engineers. which sorta explains why i'm so free at work now yeah??)

anyway.. haha

travis, his name is travis. travis came with harddisk disallowed error and wanted to know if there's any other options that he could use. he stood at the middle of our cubicles explaining his problem and then he pointed at me saying that he wanted me to fix it.

"you! fix this for me. then, write me a report and give me a 5minutes presentation"
obviously he's joking. but then, i don't like the sentence that he said. i know i know it's a joke but i am pretty sensitive when it comes to sexist issues. haha so i smiled at him and i said oh okay.

i mean, i don't care. i can fix it if i know, if not i'll ask my supervisor. i do not fear that anymore. so i asked my supervisor and he pretty much walked me through the process and we found a list of allowed hdd for him.

i did something that i'm proud of. i said the same thing back to him.

"there, we got it fixed. use this different hdd. and also. write me a report explaining why did you use the wrong hdd previously. 5000 words, give it back to me by 3pm."

everybody laughed.

i guess they were pretty surprised that i said that back to him. then this orang hitam that came with him was shocked. he went "what did she say??"

apparently, they are testing me.

later, i overheard this orang hitam talking to si perverted about me. 2 minutes later he came to me and asked me how to transfer casette to cd. so i asked him back. you mean audio or video. then he stopped for awhile and think. i don't think he meant to ask me the question. he just wanted to test me out.

so i told him that i've done that before at school. i'm not sure how exactly it is to do it at home. then he went "oh.. okay. hmm i am not sure how to do this either." i told him to ask si perverted instead. "its okay" thats what he said. so i turned and asked si perverted and they both raised their eyebrows.

you know. i can feel i am getting stronger. hahaha dont try to step on me coz i am a female engineer! you bunch of cork soaker. hahahhahaha

they looked at me for awhile and i raised one of my eyebrows at them.

i can be friendly to you but dont mess with me.

muahahhahaha

i am not a good sister.

i get pissed off talking to my bro.

sometimes i think i put too much effort and expectations that i get disappointed every single time i talk to people from home, a.k.a family, ohana.

i am frustrated

did i mention that i do not have a family?

went to see my counsellor yesterday. as usual, we meet for an hour every monday to talk.

anyway, at the end of yesterday session. i showed her a picture of my dear and i taken on my birthday. he made me a necklace on my birthday. it's gorgoeus. you have no idea how shocked i was when i first saw it. i was like, "you made this yourself?? where did you get time to make it???"

at first i thought he bought the necklace, then, i thought he paid someone to do it. but NOPE! he did everything by himself. i was so extremely happy i had tears in my eyes. hehehe anyway, the necklace was kinda too small for me and so he had to redo the whole thing on the day. i got to watch him doing it. and yup, i was pretty sure that he made it.

back to my story. my counsellor said we both look really good together and our baby is going to be so cute.

i was like.

HUH?!?!?!?!??!

NO NO NO NOT YET!!!

it was so funny. we both laughed. coz we've been talking about reducing stress for me but saying that suddenly threw me 5 tons of stress.

she said he's got "kind eyes". yeah i know what she meant. hehe

well, i was just so "kembang" yesterday i couldn't stop grinning.

i am so forgetful!

went to thai place yesterday right? left my credit card and driver's license with my dear. forgot to take them back this morning.

woke up late this morning for work. so i rushed my way to office. dropped by McD for drive through breakfast (well, i needed coffee!! Hello, it's freakin' 5:50am!). so i ordered everything..

"can i have meal #4 with coffee, please make it 3/4 full , thanks"
"sure. please pull up at the first window"

"oopssssssss. i am sooooooo sorry i don't have my credit card and cash with me!!"
"erm.. "
he just stared at me.
"i don't want it anymore. i can't afford it" *heheheheh*
"it's okay. you have a great day!"

haha.. so i made a fool of myself.

then, colleague asked me out for lunch. i told him i don't want lunch but i need coffee. (i need my daily double dosage of morning coffee)

so okay, before we went to the restaurant, he dropped me off at starbucks.

"sh*t!"
"you don't have cash?"
"i am so sorry. i forgot that i don't have my cash and credit card.... it's okay. i don't want coffee anymore"
"here, i can lend you some"

my god, it's so embarassing!!!

i am not gonna go out without my purse anymore :o(

oh, and i spilled coffee on my jeans.
they look like blood stains. ugh.

it was brrr brrrrrrrr... cold yesterday. so, my dear and i decided to go for some spicy thai food at his town.

you know how people say, it's the best to take spicy food when the weather's cold. so we both "keh kiang" (direct translate to fake smart) to order things in HOT. you know how hot food can be in thailand. i had tom yam chicken and fried rice with basil and chicken while my dear had fried kuay teow. we both were "sweating balls" in the restaurant. the food was so spicy both our lips were swollen. then the waitress came...

"iiiiis the foooooood too hotttt fo you?" in this thick thai accent. then she giggled.

yeah, very funny. watching her customers eating and go sssss sssss sssssss

"mole wate??"

hahaha. my dear drank his water like there's no tomorrow.

"i'm going to pee blood later" that's what he said. hahahaha

we both woke up this morning with upset stomach due to the spiciness of the food. i've already pang sai twice . both felt very shiok. i believe my dear pang sai more since 4:30am this morning. buntut dah bakar ni. heheheh

SHIOK! (means awesome)

PS: i am eating the leftover right now. it's actually not that bad. i believe it's the tom yum that killed us last night.

*taking a deep breath*.........................

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

today, colleagues told me that they salute me.

why?

this morning, some man came to my cubicle. well, it's this very friendly taiwanese man that i've seen a few times here at work, walking around the place, smiling at me. of course, knowing me. i smile at him everytime i see him, i nod at him as well.

so today, he came to my cubicle and started talking to me.

the man: where are you from?
me: i'm from ma-lay-see-aaa
the man: oh where??
me: jio hor
the man: xin shan ah??
me: close to xin shan but not really there. how did you know that by the way??
the man: i used to travel a lot for business.
me: i see.
the man: so, how do you like it here?
me: oh i like it here, the job is great, people here are very friendly.
he looked surprised.
the man: friendly?!
me: yeah, people who work here are friendly, although there are some down at production line who are over friendly that kinda freaks me out.
the man: you mean you get harrassed by them?
me: yeah, actually i filed a complain on the security guard.
the man: you have to be strong. next time if anybody harrasses you, ask them " what is your name?" they'll be afraid of you and they won't do it again. but please come to me if anybody does that to you. this thing should not happen around here. i'm sorry that you experienced this.
me: yeah, it's just that the security guard seemed kinda you know, i dont want to get into trouble after work.
the man: yea i understand. i'll talk to the head of security department and have them take care of this for you.
me: wow, thanks.
paused for awhile.
me: what is your name? I am Kerusi.
the man: blablablabla.
me: nice to meet you blablabla! which department are you from?
the man: i am from all the department.
me: huh???
the man: this is my factory
me: OH MY. haha i am so sorry i didn't know!!!
the man: haha it's okay.

*_*"

hahahha okay. so i talked to the boss of the company without myself knowing it. i was all so relaxed and you know, kinda impolite i think. but i'm glad that i always smile at him eventhough i didn't know. that shows some respect right??

anyway, he said that he's been wanting to talk to me.

guess what? he is an EXTREMELY nice man. i think i have my hopes up again to get a visa. hehe

wish me luck!

it's amazing how powerful your mind can be.

i get sick everytime i come in to work. it's either i start getting a fever, or i'll start puking. like yesterday, i began to throw up 2 hours after i got in here. then, by 12 pm, i already threw up 5 times. i felt so weak and dizzy there were times i knocked on the pc rack coz i was kinda passing out for a second.

so i went home.

this morning woke up, worried that the same thing could happen. so i decided to take a day off. (its just an excuse.. however, somebody got me figured out and he stopped me from doing that and i was mad at him for a good 15mins. heheh sorry!)

anyway................ here i am at work. ta-daaaa !! happy now??

yesterday got into a huge argument with my roommate for the first time in 2 years i've been staying with her. it wasn't very pleasant i would say. i regreted for saying things to her (i've never done that before. i was always the goodie goodie who let people push me around like a ball) so i guess it was surprising to her. she wrote me a letter saying that she's sorry and i told her that i was sorry too for being harsh at her. sometime when you gotta explode, you gotta explode. there were so many things that i wasn't pleased with her and yet she always pointed her finger at me saying that things are my fault. so yeah, yesterday i just blurted everything out.

it turned out good though. we had a fight at 4pm and we made up and 5:30pm. he's right. girls can't stay mad at each other for too long. hehe. i don't want to be mad at the first place!

it's FRIDAY!!!!!!!

which means, tomorrow will be the last day of the week for me. we'll be going for art museum on sunday and also italian food for dinner. it's our special day ;)

oh hey! i got my hair cut and dyed. it's mocha chocolate base and some warm blonde highlights around my face. the hairstylist's the coolest woman i've seen (besides my mom of course, she rocks my world). she shaves her hair off every summer. hehe, WAHHHH. anyway, she and i decided to darken my hair coz fall's approaching, or i should say it's fall. and it's better to go with dark hair so that it won't cause any damage to the texture of it. i'll post some pictures up after i get my internet hooked up. (the technician was supposed to come yesterday but due to some misunderstanding, he didn't get to come INSIDE my apartment. oh well!) i have it reschedule to next tuesday. so, be patient.

one last thing. I HAVE THE BEST BOYFRIEND IN THE WORLD!!!! hehehehehhehe

sorry. but listen to me.

i was sick yesterday right? so i left home from work early. he left school early to come see me. aww.. the smile on his face wiped away all the discomfort that i had. then he gave me a back massage to relax me.. hehehehe yeah i'm always tensed if you haven't realised it. then after a nap, he took me to my hairdresser. when i was doing my hair, he himself drove to the nearest mall, which is like 20mins away and bought me a 200gb hard disk and also a bunch of dvd-r. at first i thought okay, maybe he's going to the electronic store to get stuff for himself (he likes techy stuff) but nope. everything's for me! ME!!!!!!!!! i fell asleep smiling last night. :)

hehehe...

i was supposed to start writing a mental journal on monday and i totally forgot about it. see, the thing is, my memory is failing on me and i keep zoning out every few times a day that no matter what i do, my mind isn't with me. almost got into car accidents. so my doc came out with an idea of having me to write down what's on my mind and then she'll try to figure out what is the exact cause that make me such an idiot now.

it feels like there's a brain tumor inside my head or something.

or maybe brain tumor is the main reason why i am like this. hehehehe

anyway, yeah, i should get a tiny notebook today to write stuff on. but then, come to think of it, where am i gonna get time to actually do this?? i am not gonna write in front of people here. geeez, its so inconvenient.

however it is, i am still glad that i decided to stop taking the magic pills. yes, magically the pills managed to filter out ALL i mean ALL my thoughts and it kinda made me space out every 2 minutes, it helped though in that way but i didn't want to be such zombie like at work and so i quited taking them. oh well. i just have to have a strong will power to control my mind then to have it control me.

oh yeah! i'm gonna have cable tv and internet later today! cancelled the old subcription coz it was way too expensive to afford. got this deal from comcast for $53 a month and i'll get 99 channels on tv and high speed internet. *grin*

alright, i am going to stare at my screen for awhile. talk to you later!

my left eye had been infected since two weeks ago. well you see, yes i like to spend money buying things like shoes and hmm.. shoes. but when it comes to necessary stuff for example contact lenses, i can be especially stingy. hehehe

i was using disposable contacts which need to be replaced every once a month. however, miss stingy didn't throw them on purpose. knowing that one box of contacts costs $19 and it comes with 3 pairs. if she can use 3 pairs in 1 year, that would save hmm.. about $60 a year. so yeah, i had been wearing the same pair of contacts for 4 months. guess what. my left eye is now super sensitive and it burns every time i blink. it feels as if my eyeball's swollen or some kind. the vision is extremely blurry compare to the other eye. wearing glasses doesn't help to improve the vision. weird isn't it? i think i might have hurted my cornea? is that the word? cornea? haha erm... the last time i took biology was 7 years ago. don't mind me. hehehehe

oh, i've been at work since 6am. guess what i've been doing? surfing the web.

it's wednesday! which means tomorrow's thursday and then friday my dear has no school and then saturday and ta-daaaaaaaaaaa SUNDAY!

okay, i guess it's time to stare at shoes now. they are on sale, plus free shipping. heheheheheh

i need to confess.

i am getting obsessed to jennifer aniston.

i like her so much i wonder why?

okay, im getting a new haircut soon. going to cut my hair like hers, dye my hair like hers. but nope i am not going blonde of course. i want brunette!! hehehe

sorry to somebody who likes blondies. *winks*

hehehe

i am entertaining myself here. i am crazy.

sometimes i like to test people's response without me realizing it. today, i did it to somebody. well yeah, just so you know, i used to be terribly afraid of birds. and she knew it. we are sharing one apartment, so that make us flatmates. whatever.

anyway back to my story. she bought herself two pet birds and she put them in the living room. at first she agreed that she had to keep them in her room coz of the fact that i am scared of birds and then slowly, she started to put that damn cage in the living room. so fine, i can live with that. then, she started to leave the cage door open 24/7. it made me cry a few times especially when the birds started to flap their wings.

today i told her that i wanna get a pet cat. she said NO CATS.

why is she being such a bitch to me? i fuckin hate her. doesn't she know that she is such as asshole?

you know, i keep telling myself not to be nice to her anymore. but, that's not really me. i don't know. this is hard. i am going to be a bitch to her from now onwards.

yeah, first thing i do is to get a cat.

i always like to pretend that there are people who read my blog. that is why i keep coming back here thinking that there's someone here on the www would care about my whereabouts, my ups and downs and my everything else.

life is good. yeah, you didn't hear me wrong. i said it. LIFE IS GOOD.

i think i complain too much. things are that bad as i always think.

hmm... weird. i am being so positive today? it must be the triple power coffee i had this morning. i am all wired. in a good way. in a happy way.

have i told you that i've got a new job? yeah. the last internship ended and now i am doing another internship with another company.

have i told you that i also don't like my job? yeah, not surprised i bet?

some people are really nice to me here. while some are just bunch of perverts. have i told you that i am the only girl in my department? yeah. do i like it? no.

everybody repeat what i say
FUCK ENGINEERING!!!!

yeah, thats better.

i get harassed at least twice a day.

i will learn to live with bunch of assholes around me. it makes me a stronger and better person.

oh yeah. i am moving to a new apartment tomorrow. exciting isn't it? yeah. i will try to post pictures up. i know my blog is boring. what can i do?

heh, i totally agree with the phrase: when you go caucasian, you can never go asian.

well, i am pretty much sure of it ever since i got this new job. so yeah. i know i am an asian too but i would prefer not to behave the same shameful way as they do. its humiliating.

so yeah. i am moving today. and guess what? i am not packed. i barely have time to do that. wake up early in the morning which means i need to go to bed early at night. the time in between, lets say i have more important things to do.. hehehehe

alright, i think i've blabbered enough. till next time!

yup, it's been awhile.

our life have been wonderful. he is such an amazing person.

i appreciate the fact that he wakes up every morning at 5am to wake me up, make sure that i get outta the bed and make me my ginseng "power" drink and not forgetting a cup of hot coffee.

every morning i drive to work with a huge smile on my face that i can hardly wipe that off. how could i possibly be sad when he is being such a wonderful person.

my life has never been better.

sometimes i sit and wonder, man, i should have started dating him way back when we first met. it took us a year and a half to step out of our skin. having to know the truth between us is the best thing that happened to me. though we fight once in a while but hey, which couple don't get into arguments? i thank him for being such understanding and patient with me.

haha.. i am just happy. don't mind me.

alright i better get back to work.

by the way, i love this keyboard!!!!!

had too much food today. now i just feel all uncomfortable.

i do not like to think about my past. i feel sorry for the things that had happened. i am sorry to you and to you.

i am going to see him later. tomorrow is our two months anniversary. i don't want to bring all my retarded mood over to his place. it is always me who screws up the day/night.

if only my fingers would listen to my head, i shouldn't have read his blog. i hate thinking.

anyway, going for brown county state park tomorrow. it will be a wonderful day i know it.

oh yeah. coldplay concert this friday. apparently, my roommate got me a free ticket. so i am going!

ugh.

i think i need to throw up. damn medicine.

back and forth, i have been logging into here and staring blankly to the screen. what should i yak about today? lots of stuff in my head and yet i have no idea where to start.

i am not going to let anybody walk around dragging my nose. enough shit from you people. bunch of selfish assholes.

i know i am a country girl but that doesn't mean that you city dwellers can wipe your stinky feet on my shirt. mutherfuckers.

when i stepped back for awhile. you think that i am the kind of person that you could control. maybe i was but i am no longer who i was. or i should say, trying not to be who i was, to be exact. oh well.

the most pathetic thing about this world is that, there are certain people who can't stand to see others being happy or enjoying their lives. there are those who like others to suffer, to be as pathetic as they are. those people, i would consider them as those who are wasting oxigen and creating way too much carbon dioxide to the environment.

can you guys breath a lil less, say, maybe not breathing at all, so that other people, the better ones, can live their lives in peace?

i am not mean, am i?

i am just very sadden by those people. somehow, i think that i am putting myself under medication, mostly because these people and their behavior keep popping out in my head and it is disturbing everytime i think of how well i have been treating them and yet they don't seem to appreciate my existence. instead, they rub dirt on me. i wish i could be as bitchy as they are but somehow a big part of me inside is telling me that i am going to make myself ugly if i am to behave the same way they do.

yeah, things like that, constantly. i wonder... i wonder... i wonder...

s4int, i believe you would see some similarity between us. i wonder if it's because we are from the same place on earth that everyone's so naive?

talking to ex boy friend make me wanna kill myself.

i dont know how, but he always knows exactly how to make me wanna push a knife into my stomach while talking to him.

i guess that is why we broke up.

he is the one person in the world that i wouldn't want to explain myself to. he will never get it. i hope he'd rather how much of an annoying person he is.

sometimes i wish that i could stop dwelling in my past.

the pain in my head is killing me.

i don't know why, i feel so much empty, inside out.

it's 7:49pm and i am still in my pyjamas, the pyjamas i have been wearing since last night.

i could barely sleep at night. spent most of my day laying on my bed. falling asleep on and off.

got an interview set up next tuesday. i know i should be happy about it, at least the sky is slightly cleared up now. yet, my head is still so blurry i could hardly see myself........

cried so hard in the bathroom

damn it, i shouldnt have picked up the damn phone.

i dont like it when someone mentions about my failure. dont make me kill myself. i already hate myself so much i dont neeed you people to remind me of my failures.

i fucking wish i could die in my own hands.

i thought talking to him would make me feel better for awhile, but i forgot that he likes to talk about my fucking graduation and internships.

i dont know if i am dead or alive.

i need to feel it... let me feel it...

pain..

i always know that i am a people pleaser. i please people for as long as i live. it sucks when i know that someone around me isn't happy. i'll tend to do whatever i can do at least put a smile on the person's face.

i am in dilemma.

my family isn't very quite happy about the fact that i am dating a white boy. look, i am from a conservative chinese family where they always have the same mind set about how playful white people are when it comes to relationship. to my family, we do not date around. once we get into serious relationship, we think of building future together with that particular person. i am not the kind of person who would fool around. when i am in a relationship, i'm practically seeing myself forever with the person unless the person does not appreciate me for who i am.

i always thought that i was going to marry my first boyfriend. my family was ready and happy for me that i have found someone whom i was going to spend the rest of my life with. the first boyfriend of mine had the same mind set. therefore he gave up his university studies at home and flew half the globe to be with me. however, things changed. we were together for almost 4 years. lived together for a year. and that one year, to me, it was the sweetest but at the same time it was also the hardest. uncountable fights and arguments we had. we slowly drifted apart. breaking up with him was the most difficult thing to do. i remember skipping school for a week and getting drunk almost everyday. and that was when i started smoking. same thing for him, except that he didn't skip school. to him, not getting 4.0 cgpa cound cost him a life.

then i met another boy. a boy who was much younger than me. the beginning was oh so sweet and i thought i could never live without him. he wasn't a manly man. well.. he's a metrosexual who cares a lot about enjoying life and personal image. i saw a lot of things with him, wine and dine. all the romantic things that he'd done for me. it was amazing. i could never in my life imagine that there's actually such guy exists. he was almost perfect for me, except one thing, he was sick, and he didn't like it when i spend time with my friends. we never fought until the last two months of our relationship when it turned all ugly.

everything failed on me at that time of my life.

then i met him. the guy i am seeing right now. he's the combination of the last two boyfriends i had. he has both their good points. in fact, he's better in many ways. we were friends for quite some time. it was always so special when i talked to him. it was weird that even when we were just friends, i never wanted to stop talking to him. it was always sad when i saw him in school and we couldn't talk more. i'd always walk away hoping that i could have had a longer conversation with him.

i used to always tell myself, never ever fall for a "white" man. the thing is, people always think that they do not have the same concept in relationships. to them, it is common to have at least 3 or 4 exs, but to us, we are considered as slutty or dirty if we had 3 or 4 girlfriends. a chinese guy who had 3 or 4 ex-girlfriends would have a hard time getting another girlfriend if the girl finds out.

however, i think he is different. i know that i used to say that before about the boy i dated. i used to say that he was different and he was the one. i know i was wrong. i am ashamed to admit that i have slight doubts in my judgments now after all the mistakes i've done. but, i somehow think that this boy is going to be very unique. there is no word that can describe how i feel towards him. he accepts me for being who i am. he encourages me to step up for myself reminds me that i am who i am and i can be whoever i want to be. Love, this is Love.

I love him. And I am not ashamed of saying it.

"your family is racist"

that's what he said today.

i am sorry that i told him what my bro told me on the phone. i feel as if i screwed up part of the bond. my family is very protective of me. when i first started seeing my first boyfriend, they didn't like him either. but after a month, they began to love him more than they do towards me. when i went out with my second boyfriend, my family didn't like it because he wasn't from the same country. however, after some time, my dad started talking to him on the phone and they both started to crack jokes and everything. they accepted him.

dan, yeah that's the name the boy i am seeing right now. i believe my family will love him. i just hope that they would open up their heart sooner. i would give up anything to be with him. even if they want to forsake me, which i doubt they would do that.

oh god what am i talking. they will love him trust me!

haha what the heck.

i was crying like a baby and now i am all smiley.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??

i always think that i am a runner.

sometimes i wish i'd finish this all up and go to a place where there is no sadness.

i am so sleepy today i don't know why.

my room is so comfy. you can't tell if it's day or night. it's so cozy in here you have no idea.

how about lie down on the bed and not waking up.

i just like to be alone.

let's see..

i have 6 cups laying around in my room. my study table is so packed with stuff i have to shove them around in order to look at my computer screen. my floor is so dirty, tonnes of bills lying around, trash, empty bottles, a bucket, a box...

what have become o me?!

i'm o doun.... doun.... doun...

i feel like a retard.

it's been two days that i am put under medication. somehow, i think i am doing much better without the magic pills. now i just feel extremely dizzy and tired and i can't control shit on my motion. made a mess in my kitchen. oh well.

doc called me up early morning to make sure that i am okay. don't treat me like i'm fucking crazy. your prescription is making me nuts. she said i have to hang in there for a week or two, until my body gets used to the drug and by then i won't have a hard time coping with the medicine.

my life has been a roller coaster ride.

so yeah, my family wants me to pack my bags and go home.

i am very much beaten down by all the craps going on. i don't know that it was right move for me yesterday that i actually went to see a shrink.

i hope i am not gonna get fired soon.

can't wait for these period to get over with, i'm looking forward to be happy. very much looking forward to it.

was so messed up last night. so much alcohol and yet i am such an alcohol intolerant.

i dislike the fact that his family judges me for who i am not. i can't stand people who are judgmental. they sadden me. i ain't no whore who sleeps around. what is wrong with being in love with a person and doing things that couples were supposed to be doing. how can you say that it's wrong of me to do things that i did just because i wasn't in love with your family member doesn't mean that i shouldn't do things that i did.

do i even need to explain myself? it is your fault that at the first place you frame me for being someone else and now that whatever i do is wrong coz of the fact that you think that i am a bitch and whatever i do is slutty.

my dearie best friend told me not to be silly to prove people that they are wrong about me. only people who love you do not judge you. you owe nothing to those who frame you. this is your life. you dont owe it to anybody.

i love her for saying that to me. she always reminds me not to do silly things to change people's misconception of me. well, i do that a lot and it pretty much beats me to hell. i appreciate that she is always there for me eventhough she is a few states away yet it feels as if she's just next to me.

so i made a fool of myself. i barely talked to the dad. i smoked in front of the dad. i avoided talking to the dad. i got drunk. i talked loud.

if that wasn't a disaster, i don't know what is.

tried so hard not to look stupid in public. tried so hard to look sober the whole time, while inside me, war had already begun. everything was spinning so fast.

if god wants human beings to love each other and so we could live in peace and harmony, but why is love such a painful thing? isn't it contradicting?

it's funny when one day you wake up and you realize that hey, i am actually all by myself in this motherfucking world.

meaningless shit.

wonder if it's pms of it's just me.

i am fucking pissed. every tiny things drives me crazy.

don't even look at me i'll bite. yes.

arrrrrrrrrrggggggg

i so wanna go out and get drunk.

am i depressed already?

i guess so.

peace.

a phrase from a friend. struck me hard. real hard.

"Kel, why do you always have to ask what people want, why don't you ask yourself what do you want?"

yes, words from people's mouth, never fail to wake me up.

i want what i want. one day i'll have what i want without considering if achieving my goals, my wants, would hurt anyone in the process.

cruelty? what is cruelty?

i can't not write. i can't not leave things are they are. i can't not leave my thoughts wander in the circles. i wanna jot them down. i wanna jot all of them down.

hello everybody.