hi guys.

remember i was talking about buying a dress for wedding couple of weeks ago? my dear bought me a super sexy one that we both eyed on at Bebe last week. :)

here are some pictures we took today.







alrighty. time for shower.

boobies......

sometimes they grow, sometimes they don't.

now you see them, now you don't.

my dear bought me a dress two days ago. but i don't have boobs to wear them for. i need to stuff myself like a goddamn turkey. wooooooo... boobies are finally showing. A LITTLE BIT!!!!

MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

its amazing how much my head can think/imagine crap.

its annoying that it is making me nuts. soon i'll end up losing the most important person in my life.

if i am still behaving the same way as i do.

i have hard time going to bed at night. i get energetic. not physically but mentally. it's like my mind just had triple shot of espresso and things just come rushing in.

if only the things i think about is something wonderful, something cheerful. but nope, it's all crap. and i hate them.

now im just freakin tired i wish i could go to bed.

i hope the same thing is not going to happen tonight. i cant take it anymore.

i am a coffee junkie.
i don't know why but i am extremely exhausted for some unknown reason. i feel worn out. the weird thing is, i haven't done a single crap today. oh wait, i did carry some computers around. oh well. yeah that's my job. i spent $$$$$ for my 4 years degree and i finally get to fulfill my dream - computer carrier!!!!

why dont you just fucking kill me??

how long do i have to drag this shit?????

i told my counsellor yesterday.

"it would be great if i have a gun right now"

"i would fire a shot on my head. or maybe in my mouth."

she gasped.

"i am very worried about you, you know? if i am to follow the rules, i need to call XXXXX hospital right now and have you stayed there and be safe. but i know if i do that, i'd scare you and make the situation even worse. there'll be cops and ambulance."

i know that you are worried about me. i am worried about myself too. i am so worried that i wish my brain would stop working already. everything would stop. no more worries. no more thinking. no more sadness. no more.

it's nuts. anyway, i got myself outta the damn clinic. fucking retard. you think i can't lie my way outta you? don't put me in the goddamn hospital, that's like stamping a sign " you are CRAZY" on my fucking forehead.

4 weeks without therapy/medication and i can merely survive. i guess my life's fixed then? i have to see therapist for the rest of my life? i have to take drugs the rest of my days in order to keep myself in a piece? why can't i fucking depend on myself for once??

oh.

i helped my dear's mum decorating her christmas tree yesterday. it was fun/stressful. i wanted to do it right. it kinda bothered me when the ornament i placed was being removed due to the fact that it wasn't in the right spot. i was hurted.

it's weird isnt it? my so called "perfectionist" behavior is getting worse on me. it's just a goddamn ornament for goodness sake and i fucking brooded over it for like a freaking 1 day?

i just want to be a perfect someone.

i feel like crying right now.

i am turning into a freak.

sometimes i don't even know if i am real, or not.

i am not surprised. i have lost my will to work here.

everything's retarded.

most of all. i feel like a retard.

hello all,

yes i am back. after such a long time. i haven't been really busy. well maybe i was a lil busy at work plus there are always eyes behind my back staring at whatever i am doing at my desk.

no privacy.

no privacy at all.

anyway, i am still alive. after my suicide attempt last week. hmm... is this something happy to celebrate about? i am not sure myself. sometimes i am glad that i didnt succeed. sometimes i hate the fact that i am still breathing.

i am still struggling to be alive, anyhow. although i feel like i am losing the spirit, again, today. i just hope that i am not going to do anything silly later tonight. i wonder why does it always happen in the night? it always feels like theres a pair of hands waving at me from the dark, asking me to join all the "free souls". it always sounds tempting to me. how i wish i could set myself free. no more burdens. no more pain. no more worries.

i am so tired of having such short term of happiness. i feel so numb inside that the feeling of joy doesn't stick around for long. for some reason i get overwhelmed with the darkness in my head. the voice that keeps calling me not to wake up.

she said that i am suffering from severe depression.

how severe is severe??



sometimes i feel like i am letting down so many people around who care for me. i feel sorry. but there are times that i think it's time for me to do something for myself. something that i always want to do.

i lived my life listening to what people say. doing what they want me to do. please them. satisfy them. and yet i forgot that this is my life and i do not owe it to them. they dont own my life.

constantly i regret of my past. it haunts me. and i always tell myself that my past is ruining my future. i don't see that my future is going to me any good for me. dont get me wrong. i am very happy with my life with my dear. but theres more to my life that i need to face.

i regret i chose the wrong major. i regret that i didn't stand up for myself. i regret of my behavior when i was young.

my life is full of regrets.

i don't know how to erase them all.

i need a way out.