i woke up today realized that i am back to who i used to be. so much hope and expectations. again it comes to nothing.

i am not very excited about my visa application. i do not seem to bother about anything. i do not see the point of everything anymore. nothing makes sense to me now. why waste time?

why do i have to wake up every morning? why can't i just sleep and not have to care if i am going to open my eyes 8 hours later?

everything is a routine. when you have all your hopes up, thinking that this will be it, you will not feel down or beaten down anymore. yet, it all happens again.

i am scared.

i am afraid.

this is a beginning of the end of me.




Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreamin' of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanting to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away


I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And break away
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And break away

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get on board a fast train
Travel on a jetplane, far away
And break away


I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And break away
Out of the darkness and into the sun
I won't forget all the ones that I love
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And break away

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging round revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me
But, gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, break away


I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye, gotta
Take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And break away
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And break away

Break away
Break away

i have been sleeping for couple of days. stoopid medication puts me to sleep. i mean, A LOT of sleep.

anyway, "stupig_gal", here are some of my pictures. let you "shiok" for awhile.

sometimes you think that you have found your saviour. but then, in the end, you realized that things are going back to square one, again.

i have been so angry lately. unable to control my emotions. feel as if i am going back to my old self.

i am worried. i am starting to worry. but i dont want people to think that there is no hope that i am recovering. i covered up the truth that i am getting weird again. lying to psychiatrist that things are fine is not going to help me.

i hate to find another psychologist. i feel as if its first time i called up the counselling center. all the anxiety is killing me.

i am scared of fitting into a new environment. new environment.. i mean new clinic. its appears worse to me now 'cause the place that i am going to go is a psychiatry clinic in a big hospital.

i used to stare at those people who walked into psychiatry clinic. now i am going to be one of them. it is just not how the way i used to picture myself to be.

i don't want to depend on people my whole life. i dont want to depend on medication my life. but, it seems to me that things are going to work that way.

sometimes i feel so helpless.

WTF?!?!?!?!??! I AM SO NOT LIKE THAT! I AM NOT DESPERATE LIKE THAT!!!! STUPID CANDY!

hehehe. anyway, this is just for fun. i stumbled across someone's blog and thought i should give it a try.

Your Candy Heart Says "Marry Me"

For you, love is serious business. You don't take dating lightly. And even if you haven't met the right person, getting married is something you expect to do soon. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a romantic picnic in the park Your flirting style: subtle and calculating What turns you off: short term flings Why you're hot: you're a hopeless romantic with each new relationship

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

ahhh....tulips.
everytime i see tulips being sold at flower stands reminds me of spring is approaching.

i can't wait for the weather to turn warmer. well, i shouldn't complain much. this winter isn't as bad as any winters before.

i have been so lazy lately to even sit in front of my pc. lots of pictures to get uploaded to my computer and i finally did it today.

my dear celebrated his birthday last month :P we hanged out with couple of friends at hooters and hit some bars after that. not to mention, he was dead drunk that night. it was hilarious. hehe