sometimes i wish that i could stop dwelling in my past.

the pain in my head is killing me.

i don't know why, i feel so much empty, inside out.

it's 7:49pm and i am still in my pyjamas, the pyjamas i have been wearing since last night.

i could barely sleep at night. spent most of my day laying on my bed. falling asleep on and off.

got an interview set up next tuesday. i know i should be happy about it, at least the sky is slightly cleared up now. yet, my head is still so blurry i could hardly see myself........

cried so hard in the bathroom

damn it, i shouldnt have picked up the damn phone.

i dont like it when someone mentions about my failure. dont make me kill myself. i already hate myself so much i dont neeed you people to remind me of my failures.

i fucking wish i could die in my own hands.

i thought talking to him would make me feel better for awhile, but i forgot that he likes to talk about my fucking graduation and internships.

i dont know if i am dead or alive.

i need to feel it... let me feel it...

pain..

i always know that i am a people pleaser. i please people for as long as i live. it sucks when i know that someone around me isn't happy. i'll tend to do whatever i can do at least put a smile on the person's face.

i am in dilemma.

my family isn't very quite happy about the fact that i am dating a white boy. look, i am from a conservative chinese family where they always have the same mind set about how playful white people are when it comes to relationship. to my family, we do not date around. once we get into serious relationship, we think of building future together with that particular person. i am not the kind of person who would fool around. when i am in a relationship, i'm practically seeing myself forever with the person unless the person does not appreciate me for who i am.

i always thought that i was going to marry my first boyfriend. my family was ready and happy for me that i have found someone whom i was going to spend the rest of my life with. the first boyfriend of mine had the same mind set. therefore he gave up his university studies at home and flew half the globe to be with me. however, things changed. we were together for almost 4 years. lived together for a year. and that one year, to me, it was the sweetest but at the same time it was also the hardest. uncountable fights and arguments we had. we slowly drifted apart. breaking up with him was the most difficult thing to do. i remember skipping school for a week and getting drunk almost everyday. and that was when i started smoking. same thing for him, except that he didn't skip school. to him, not getting 4.0 cgpa cound cost him a life.

then i met another boy. a boy who was much younger than me. the beginning was oh so sweet and i thought i could never live without him. he wasn't a manly man. well.. he's a metrosexual who cares a lot about enjoying life and personal image. i saw a lot of things with him, wine and dine. all the romantic things that he'd done for me. it was amazing. i could never in my life imagine that there's actually such guy exists. he was almost perfect for me, except one thing, he was sick, and he didn't like it when i spend time with my friends. we never fought until the last two months of our relationship when it turned all ugly.

everything failed on me at that time of my life.

then i met him. the guy i am seeing right now. he's the combination of the last two boyfriends i had. he has both their good points. in fact, he's better in many ways. we were friends for quite some time. it was always so special when i talked to him. it was weird that even when we were just friends, i never wanted to stop talking to him. it was always sad when i saw him in school and we couldn't talk more. i'd always walk away hoping that i could have had a longer conversation with him.

i used to always tell myself, never ever fall for a "white" man. the thing is, people always think that they do not have the same concept in relationships. to them, it is common to have at least 3 or 4 exs, but to us, we are considered as slutty or dirty if we had 3 or 4 girlfriends. a chinese guy who had 3 or 4 ex-girlfriends would have a hard time getting another girlfriend if the girl finds out.

however, i think he is different. i know that i used to say that before about the boy i dated. i used to say that he was different and he was the one. i know i was wrong. i am ashamed to admit that i have slight doubts in my judgments now after all the mistakes i've done. but, i somehow think that this boy is going to be very unique. there is no word that can describe how i feel towards him. he accepts me for being who i am. he encourages me to step up for myself reminds me that i am who i am and i can be whoever i want to be. Love, this is Love.

I love him. And I am not ashamed of saying it.

"your family is racist"

that's what he said today.

i am sorry that i told him what my bro told me on the phone. i feel as if i screwed up part of the bond. my family is very protective of me. when i first started seeing my first boyfriend, they didn't like him either. but after a month, they began to love him more than they do towards me. when i went out with my second boyfriend, my family didn't like it because he wasn't from the same country. however, after some time, my dad started talking to him on the phone and they both started to crack jokes and everything. they accepted him.

dan, yeah that's the name the boy i am seeing right now. i believe my family will love him. i just hope that they would open up their heart sooner. i would give up anything to be with him. even if they want to forsake me, which i doubt they would do that.

oh god what am i talking. they will love him trust me!

haha what the heck.

i was crying like a baby and now i am all smiley.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??

i always think that i am a runner.

sometimes i wish i'd finish this all up and go to a place where there is no sadness.

i am so sleepy today i don't know why.

my room is so comfy. you can't tell if it's day or night. it's so cozy in here you have no idea.

how about lie down on the bed and not waking up.

i just like to be alone.

let's see..

i have 6 cups laying around in my room. my study table is so packed with stuff i have to shove them around in order to look at my computer screen. my floor is so dirty, tonnes of bills lying around, trash, empty bottles, a bucket, a box...

what have become o me?!

i'm o doun.... doun.... doun...