` I'm going to ask my therapist this weekend (provided that shes not cancelling on me) if she is still interested in seeing me. My psychiatrist is gone, no

In need for a change.

My first girls night out in years! Now i'm just sitting here sipping my beer waiting for the girls to show up. Heehee

10 Years..

Dear mummy,

It has been 10 years since the day you went away.  I just can't believe how time flies.  The truth is, it still feels as if it was yesterday.  I can't even put in words the pain that I feel everyday...

Mummy, I think of you everyday.  I still cry every morning on my way to work.  I still have hard times at night before going to bed.  I just can't erase the memory in my head.  I want to remember you, all the wonderful things about you, all the great times that we've had...all those silly moments about you... like the day you poured a can of pepsi into the pot of porridge....the time you took a sanitary pad out of your handbag and placed it on the restaurant table thinking that it was a pack of tissue papers.. haha......  Instead, the picture of you laying there lifeless, the image of them carrying your casket away.. the image of them pushing your casket into that burning fire...  Sometimes I drink myself silly so that I would stop thinking or even functioning. 

I tell myself constantly... I am going to take good care of bros and myself.  I don't want to disappoint you....  Do you remember...just days before you left, you told me while you were laying on the sofa, that you were not going to make it anymore and you wanted me to take very good care of the two bros..  I never forget that....

I just wish you're here with me..  I wish I was a better daughter.. I wish I was there more often when you needed me..   I wish I was the one who's sick and I wish God would just take my life instead of yours.

I miss you mummy....

3rd week in a row

Bahhh this is the 3rd weekend in a row that I am sick!  I think it is a sign that I am burnout from work...   I'm exhausted and now I am laying in the bed.. with a bad throat, runny and sneezy nose and my head is spinning like a disco party..

 

It is really all work no fun.. i'm tired... im going to take a nap now...

Assertiveness

Yesterday, I finally told a 50 year old guy at work to stop texting me and whatever he sent me were getting really disturbing.

 

I finally stood up for myself.  I finally said something that I wanted to say in my head that I've been burying them because I don't want to worry what would people think about me if i start saying things like hey stop i dont like it, hey go away. 

 

So i did.  And he apologized. All is well.

 

Then on the way home, a girl friend called and we chatted.  The conversation heated up (she was trying hard to explain to me what MY job is and what MY company is doing).  I didn't really pissed me off other than I really felt like I didn't have to waste my time on her.  So i said, you know, it's okay. I know what my job is and you don't have to explain to me.  Then she went on... no! you don't understand! blablabla

 

So i said.... you know, I don't really care.  I don't want to waste my time explaining what my job is and what my company does.  I'm surprised that you don't know what I am doing for living but it is okay because i am not losing anything. It's no big deal.  Then she said she gotta go and hang up the phone.

B

I

T

C

H

To be frank, I have been trying hard to be her friend.  To make a connection between the two of us.  But frankly speaking, I don't think I can be around people like that.

 

So today I called her up and make sure that she not mad at me (although I know i DID NOT do anything wrong).  She ignored my calls and text msgs. 

 

So here i am, I'm 2 glasses away from finishing a bottle of chardonnay.

I know that I shouldn't feel bad that I spoke my mind and she just didn't like that.  But the thing is, I feel like shit because I know that something I said pissed someone off ...... even though I know that I did not say anything wrong.

 

Anyway, I am typing this half drunk. so don't mind me.  I just want to get this out of my heart.  I can't really say much here at home since I was told that I am just an unhappy person.

 

Gimme me break.  Let me talk here, will you?

Here comes the obsession..

Today, an old friend of mine who hasn't seen me for 2 years asked me if I have gained weight (after she saw a picture of mine).  She said that she hasn't seen me for awhile and it looks like my face is getting rounder and my body is still as skinny as usual.

 

She wrote all those down in an email which I read this morning.  So the very first thing I did was - skipped the antidepressant. (did you know that those pills do make you happy but they give you side effect such as weight loss/gain.  Worst still, weight loss but swelling in the face)

 

It's been bothering me so much.  Look at the clock now, it's 9:43pm, I am dead tired from work and yet I am sitting here googling away for ways to "remove facial fat", extreme workout, intense cardio.  And now my head is telling me, "Maybe you should just start starving yourself again.  It's easy, and it worked before!"

 

But starving myself means I am going to look like a lollipop.  Big face with lil frame.  Oh and not to mention, the poor 2 oz. of fat reside in front of my chest are gonna say goodbye to me.  (I know, 2 oz. may seem little to you people but hey, it means a hell lot of deal to me)

 

What should I do?   Don't tell me that I sounded so vain.  I knew that already.

Are you still there?

Hello, I know it has been awhile.  Are you still there?  Are you still coming here every now and then to "check on me"? hehe

Sorry I haven't been writing.  Work has been EXTREMELY busy.  I've been working almost everyday (not to mention the 2 or sometimes 2.5 - 3 hours of commute...) I get so exhausted when I get home.  My house is a mess.  Not because my husband's a mess but I am just so dead tired that I just want to rest when I get home.  Not to mention, I have NO time to make dinner! 

Right now, I am laying here in bed, listening to swing music on my ipod and sipping my 3rd glass of merlot tonight.  No, I am not depressed.  haha Just enjoying my time ....... (It's St. Patty's day and I decided to stay home while Dan's out with his friends).  Seriously, it's work night.  I prefer to get well rested than to walk in the office tomorrow with a major hangover. 

Alrighty.... hope all is well.  I will be back a bit.

PS: a girl friend's mom passed away 2 weeks ago.  I was supposed to go to her memorial but I chickened out.  Sorry, my mom passed 10 years ago and I am still mourning to be frank.

Alone.

I feel like I am here all by myself most of the time.  There isn't anyone here that I can talk to and will not spread the words that I said.  The only person I can truly trust is my psychologist.  She is the only person I pour my heart to.  She is the only person that gives me advise.  She is the only person that makes me feel that I am worthy of something.

I was hurt by a girl friend of mine two days ago.

I have learned my mistake to not trust anyone anymore. 

Now I am sitting here thinking, I have been pouring my heart out here for ages.  You've read things about me and my self mutilating habit..

Are you going to make fun of me too?  Are you going to deliberately say things to me to hurt me? Are you going to judge me?

If you are, will you please leave me the fuck alone. 

What a day!

Today we went over to one of my former roommate's house for her son's 1st birthday.  We knew no one there, except for her, and her husband. (oh and it was Dan's first time meeting the baby... or I should say toddler? hehe)  Anyway, it's awesome to see her again.  It never failed to remind me of our good old times back in our really crappy apartment.  But did you know that those were the best time I had here in the United States?  Maybe I will tell you the story next time when I decide to come back here.  (obviously I am not very good at keeping up an interesting blog)

I got the  baby a Spiderman tricycle.  I thought it was fun.  I like buttons. that make noises when you push them.  hehe

Anyway, we got home 30mins ago.  I was kinda upset on the way home.  I would like to tell you why but I think I prefer to drink it away this time.  Well, it's about the mother of my husband.  AGAIN.  Yeah again, do you see a trend here?

Some people are fit to be a mom.  Some are not. 

Talk to you later!

Happy New Year!!!!

All, Happy 2010!! 

Just a very quick note that I am doing well.  Sorry for  not posting much.  A lot going on in my head and I am trying to sort through my thoughts before I boohoo over here. 

It is time to do something different!

I will be back.