To respond to s4ints comment..

I believe I have found someone who meant something to me in my life. Well, this whole mood thing is just ridiculous. It’s just me. I think I am just losing faith in living. Lol

Okay, this is not related to what I said earlier. Why is it so hard for other girls to like me? Girls are work don’t seem to be friendly to me. It’s just rude.

I complained too much my whole life. Things seem to be going pretty well for me. Yet I wonder why I am not as happy as I used to be? Okay, I should say that I used to be a depressed person, but I just realized that I am not depressed anymore. I wouldn’t say that I am sad. I just feel numb about every single thing around me. Nothing excites me anymore. When I say nothing, I mean absolutely NOTHING.

Why is it? I wish I know the answer. Maybe it’s one of the depressive symptoms. Oh well.

i was looking for dresses at Arden B and Bebe today. there are two that i kinda like. tell me what ya think if i am to wear it to the dinner?











didn't find any longer ones that i like. at the meantime, tell me what do you think? they are both around $140. it's about the right price i think. well, i might not buy any. just like to take a look. you know, girls. ;)

i'm dead bored sitting here at work. thank god tim's online.

haha this is nuts. he requested me to draw a picture of a giraffe eating a hippo. being extremely enthusiastic with my first given task of the day. i happily sketch him one on paint and here's how it looks..............................

















hahahahahahahahahahaha

let's see what he comes up with my "lion begging a pig not to eat him"............................


















hahahahahaha the lion seems like he just got his hair cut. i totally love the pig though!!



Then i drew a butterfly mixed airplane being attacked by horse-looking car.........................................






















Ahh... not bad right?? hehe

And here's tim's she-male...........................................................



















tim said that this is me....... what do you think? should i kill myself? hehehehehe




how about some peglegged parrot with pirate on his shoulder? which one's better?



we should be artists.

this is weird. good weird.

i never thought that i would wake up in the morning and look forward to come into office to work. i guess i must have been missing work a lot. what can i i say, it's been a week!

anyhooo... i believe it's the fact that i am now tranferred to the other department where the people that i work with, aka colleagues, are much better bunch of people. so yay for me!

enough of work crap. i have to tell you this.

i am not sad anymore!!!!!!


hahahah

i am getting better i think. since i know how to categorize my thoughts and figure out the reasons why i was sad. what caused me sad. it is much easier for me to control my moods/thoughts lately. plus, everything else has been going well (except the fact that my kidneys went nuts on me). i was well taken care of. i am still well taken care of. god i am so pampered and i love it! thanks to that special someone ;) i love you more than i can say!

woooooo... i just realized this. my font colors represent Christmas!! bahahaha..

anywayyyyyyy.......

talked about running away from tossing bouquet. yeah, "stupig_gal" i agree with you that yes, the first reaction we get when the bouquet's being tossed is to run away. yet, we can't wait to look for THE ONE in our life that we could spend the rest of our time with. how contradicting is this?? i guess that's why we are women huh? i don't know. i think the reason why i ran away coz i didn't wanna look desperate to other people?? that could be why. i mean, look at those people who can't wait to stand in front of the line. what the hell are they thinking? don't they know that people are looking at you thinking that... geeeeeez she can't wait to get married. and who knows that her boyfriend might be thinking inside his heart (if the lady has a boyfriend) he must be like "GOD PLEASE HELP ME!"

i didn't want my boyfriend to have that thought. NO NO! i would prefer to wait till the day that i am being asked. hehehehehehe

what the hell am i thinking. i am still so overwhelmed with that wedding i attended yesterday. i cried when my exroommie walked down the aisle. super happy for her. :~)

it is me or what. i start to picture myself in wedding gown and crap. this is so not me. it's freaky. yet it makes me feel good. like a lil girl. hehehehehe


oh yeah. i need to shop for a cocktail dress for his friend's wedding in december. i want to look good. but, december's a BIG month. i need to save money for christmas presents and dress. i think i am going to forsake the latter. hmm... i just don't like to look underdressed compare to other girls. i don't know. gimme some money will ya?? kindly send your donation to my account. i accept paypal too. lol

alright. time for "window shopping". i'll be bAAAK!

whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

wedding ceremony's fun.

ex roommate of mine got married today and we were invited. it's pretty simple yet it's sweet :o)

anyway, being a usual me, i ran away when the bride's tossing the bouqueut. how do you spell the word?? but yeah, i ran away. i don't know why.

ok i cant sit still. hyper time!!

i hate it when i go all ARRRRRGGGGGG. dont step on my tail how many times do you want me to tell you??

yeah you can tell i got better. can see i get all pissed off and stuff. yeah i am definitely back to normal.

fight of the day, #2.

why do people fight so much???

since wednesday, i've been at the hospital taking all kinds of test, blood test, x-ray,urine test, blood culture, urine culture, CAT scan. and yeah, its determined by the doc i am having kidney infection.

very cool. yesterday i was on the wheel chair the whole time.
special thanks to my special someone. without you, i have no idea what would i have become. he's been taking great care of me. kept me company. hush hush me when i cried. hehe carried me outta the car when i couldn't walk. helped me to bathroom and stuff. you are a wonderful person and i am so glad i met you. i love you :o)

yay! my dear also bought me some chocolate covered cherries as a rewards for having my blood drawn n not being scared. heheh i am such a baby eh?

all i know is that,i slept the whole day and i was waken up by him for medicine, for food, for water.

ahhh... i know i dont feel good coz i am sick. but i feel good for knowing that i have found my perfect someone :o)

i am not going to force my muscle anymore!

last night was terrible. TERRIBLE!

the pain woke me up at 2:25am. my waist hurted so bad i couldn't breathe like usual. i had to be extra careful so that my body wouldn't move a tiny bit. then. due to the fact that i missed a few days of my pills. my period started to flow out out of nowhere. my lower stomach hurted so bad. couldn't wait anymore longer. i got outta my bed and took 2 advils.

got up this morning and took another two painkillers just in case i'd be in pain when i'm at work. the thing is, i don't get to sit much at work. i have to test units on the production line/test lab from time to time.

hmm. i can't think when people keep talking around me.

i have to learn how to live with this. its so weird that bunch of office people squeeze together in this teeny tiny room. oxygen doesn't even seem fresh!!!

i'm moved to the new department today. everybody's sitting together as if we are doing telemarketing. no privacy at all. blah.

did some weight lifting yesterday. i'd been stopped doing it since 2 months ago or so. so yesterday pretty much forced myself to work out on my arm and buttocks/thighs. lol

at the end, i strained my waist.

so today i am walking around with one hand supporting my left waist, like i am pregnant. walking super slow with my legs slightly opened wide than before. mind you, my thighs hurt like hell. so yeah, i think i looked pregnant.

now i cant have a slight movement. my waist hurts like theres no tomorrow. i keep my fingers crossed that it'll at least heal a lil bit by the time i wake up in the morning.

ahhh and i took a bath with shower milk and salt. it was absolutely relaxing. lighted up a couple of candles, music being played at the background. i had my lights turned off. one thing i was lacked of - my dear. :o(

hungry. sleepy too. i might as well go to bed now and wake up tomorrow for some hearty breakfast. mmmmm........

i could use a massage now.

ha!

new look! welcome to my humble blog.

yeah i know, i am so free i don't know how to spend my time. instead i woke up early this morning (6:30am) to make breakfast (for myself and my dear). saw him off to his "battle field". and here i am, editing my blog and some crap. got my lil world a new look.

Psst to Chua. this is not "paganism" to you i suppose? hehehe...

couple of my friends say that i am a lil hippy. hippy happy like a hippopotaaamooooos

anyway. wanna know what happened to me yesterday?? ah, you have no choice. lol

i left my desk at work yesterday for lunch. i was driving my way home to grab a bite to eat. my cacat car broke down on me after 5mins. i had to pull over at the side of highway and wait for somebody to rescue me. apparently there's a huge leak at my reservoir tank and the engine coolant was leaking out as if my car was peeing all the way. the temperature went up to HIGH and i was like OH GOD.

jesus, the cars were driving by me so fast. i was stranded in my car for about 40mins or so. i needed to pee so bad. was about to wet my pants actually and thankfully, my ex-bf came and ahhhhhhh saved my bladder.

i was extremely touched when my dear drove all the way from his camp to help fixing my car for me. i bet he was on 90MPH at least. i guess i must have worried him a lot. hehehe i was crying while talking to him. (don't laugh! its terrifying okay. i dont know sh*t about car and it just kinda broke me down as it's been broken here and there lately and i don't have enough money to pamper my car with all kinds of services) immediately i got distress. i started having headache and felt like puking.

my dear got my car fixed, temporaly. we used chewing gum to seal the hole. lol hey, it worked though!

so today, i'm going to wait for him to come back from his "battle field" again to officially repair it.

what am i gonna do without him?

of course. special thanks to my ex. i woke him up. my bladder savior! hahaha

wooo guess what??? i am going out on a "date" with my girl-friend later. i always wanna have a female friend. my best friend is too far away from me(DC) :o(

something's wrong. my skin starts to itch so bad.

alrighty. enjoy the new look. by the way, the song playing at the background is called "teardrop" by massive attack ;o)

i seriously miss my long black hair that i used to curl it at night when i went out drinking. i think i looked more feminine. lol. oh well, now i am just going to wait for months to get my long hair back. can you believe that i didn't cut my hair for 1.5 year and it was hitting my waist before i cut it real short??

I MISS MY LONG HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :o(

i was looking at this the whole time yesterday. since ipod nano's got such bad review on the casing (that it gets scratched real easily and apparently the company is being sued for it), i think i'd better get a cheaper and more functions mp3 player instead. creative micro and microphoto series both play mp3 and also fm radio which is better compared to ipod that doesn't have fm function. i think creative would be a better one to go for.

with my financial condition right now, i think i'll get it after christmas which i believe the price would drop. right now it's sold at $265 for 8GB (it only comes in 8G).

out of 10 colors to choose from, i narrowed it down to 4 colors that i find them attractive to me. i like both the red and green ones the most out of this 4. white looks clean but boring. i don't know? it looks good with the blue LED though. heheheh my dear would faint if he sees this. i bet he's gonna say "i like the black one the best".

what do you think?

i like fun colors ;)

so what happened was, i was promised to have my work visa sponsored.

i thought i would remain happy for the rest of the day after finding out that i don't need to be worried anymore. yet, that stupid messed up mood came back again after 2 hours of joy.

dear god, can't i at least be happy for a day?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!

it just seems like no matter what happened. whether it's good news or bad news, i'm always this walking empty soul. why is that?

when will i be able to taste the joy of life again?

everything seems so meaningless to me. i don't want to go back to that path anymore. it's dark. it's cold.

anyway, i am going to get transferred to another department from next week onwards. yeah that's another thing i was told yesterday at lunch. it's all cool. i am fine with whatever they want me to do.

i've been so agitated lately for no reason. started a few tiffs with my dear and it wasn't very pretty. i felt bad afterwards of my behavior. there is no excuse that i treated him that way. i feel so sorry for him at times, that he has to put up with my weird attitude. although, i know that i've changed quite a bit now compare to before.

i would like to apologize to my first boyfriend for the way i treated him before. i was angry, violent and it was my fault that i exploded so many times in front of you. i beg your forgiveness and there are times when i think back, i can't help it but cry. i was very mean to you. i am very sorry.

sometimes i think to myself. do i deserve to be in a relationship? whatever i do causes pain to the other person. and it drives me crazy everytime i burst into a mad woman i feel so guilty after that. it is swallowing me alive.

i think i am getting sad.

breaking news!!!!!!!!!!

well it's a great news for me.

something that i've been worrying about. now is finally come to the end.

and yes it is related to work.

hahahahahah

now i can breath freely. WHEW!

hi guys.

yesterday was bizzare. without me knowing it, i zoned out the whole time i was here in the office. lucky enough that i had my weekly appointment set up with my favorite lady (well, she's entitled to listen to me blabbling for 1 hour every week). surprising enough, talking to her makes me feel a lot better. she always has her way to make me feel good about myself. well, that's why she's a shrink eh?

let's see. i was crying throughout that whole 1 hour. she likes to ask me question like "do you feel safe?"

of course i answered YES I FEEL SAFE. the last time i told her that i didn't feel safe and stuff, she was gonna put me to hospital. i was made to sign a suicide agreement crap because i insisted of staying OUT of the hospital. so, do you expect me to tell you that i don't feel safe again? i don't think so. :P

whatever it is...

i just came back from a meeting. apparently, there's new rule here. all engineers have to keep a log on the company website to "justify" how much work we have done throughout the day. according to my supervisor, it is to "justify our value in the company". so hmm.... it means, whoever who closes the least incident, he/she will get fired or some sort?

being pushed to the limits. i just closed a case and i don't know why i did it. maybe i am scared of being fired. i might as well be a lil good puppy listens to whatever orders that given from my "masters".

ugh.

i just realized that i forgot to phone home on my grandpa's birthday.

god damn it.

what else can i remember?!

i am back at work today.

the thing is, i am not feeling so well. still have some leftover cold. my head is buzzing. i better not work too much today before i get even more sick tomorrow.

i lost my cubicle. i am going to share cubicle with my colleague. oh well. i don't wanna say much here. i am not very happy about this. this whole, hiring a new guy and switch me to the other department thingy.

i don't think i am needed here in this place. plus i don't wanna be here anyway.

i need a job. i need a job somewhere else.

i believe you don't understand how i feel. it's just so hard to explain.

he told me that it is normal that people don't like their own job. go ask around, you'll see tons of people who'll tell you that, hey i don't like my job too, but i am still doing it.

sometimes, i just think that i am doing something because i have to. not because i want to.

is life supposed to be in this way? you force yourself to wake up in the morning to go to somewhere that you don't wanna go. you feel unwanted when you reach there, you feel threatened, you have to be in full alert because you don't want to get unnecessary attention from line workers. you feel ill, yet you have to pretend like you're so strong. you feel beaten up, yet you tell yourself, it's okay, 8 more hours i'll be outta here. then, time's up, you go home. the next day, same routine, again.

what is the meaning of all these? is money really that important in this world?

i wanna do something that i like. something that i enjoy doing, something that doesn't depresses me. something that makes me feel good about myself. not something that make me look tiny. something that gives me doubts about myself. something that shrink my self esteem to almost non-existing.

do i really need this?

i have so much to do. yet i am losing the motivation to fight for it.

i haven't even apply for my OPT yet. i should do that TOMORROW. oh, and i haven't paid my tuition fees.

$$$$$$$$$$$$

i hate the money world. yet i am part of the world.

why is it that people seem so happy, strong, carefree? look at me? am i way to weak to survive in this rat race?

i wish i could be like the rest of them.

maybe coz i complain too much. well yeah i whine a lot.

i am going to see my shrink tomorrow. didn't talk to her last week and i fell hard. somehow i feel like i am depending on her to make me stand up. i can't depend on shrinks all the time can i?

isn't this embarassing? i am freakin' 24 years old and yet i don't even know how to talk to my head.

i am such a spoiled brat. i want my mummy!!!!