tonight, it's just going to be me and the lion.

the lion isn't very happy. he's lying on the floor and not wanna get up.... :o(



Oops, sorry. Those are my toes.

I get so confused lately I feel like I am losing my mind. I have so many dreams in my sleep sometimes I don't even know if I am awake or not.

Maybe it's time to "retire" and stay in a hospital for awhile.

we are going to have stewed pig tonight. dan likes it.

AHEM!

I just came back from bathroom. Some lady was standing by the door talking to another lady while pumping her breast with the breastpump thingy.

I don't know what else to say.

How was your weekend?

I had a great time with Dan and his family. Let's see. It all started on Friday night. We became tattoo artists and gave each other some pretty damn nice drawing.

I had a dragon nicely tattooed on his shin and some crazy stuff ;) Shh but I took a picture of him. I'll ask permission before I post it here though. haha.

He then got mad coz I wrote some not-so-nice stuff on his foot and painted his nails red (mmm... HOT) together with some flowers. He wasn't very happy about it. So he gave me a bloody tampon on the side of my waist. Also a scary looking face with my back with wording " Guess who's not getting sex tonight?"

Hehehehehehehehe...

The weather was nice on Saturday and Sunday. We headed to gym on Saturday morning (we usually go Mon/Wed/Fri. Since we slacked on Friday, we got up early Saturday just to go to gym). After 1.5 hours of working out, I bribed him for some steak buffet. hahahahah

OOh! I got myself Friends Season4 finally. One more season (10th) to go and I have my complete seasons of Friends.Let's see, my dear got me 4 or 5 of them? Thank you! Muacks!

Sunday mall was great. I bought 3 pairs of earrings from claires(Dan makes fun of me the whole time coz it's a kiddy store) and 4 tees from pac sun.

I should wait for two more weeks before I head out for shopping again I guess. Money's hard to make. :o(

Teehee...

I am trying to decide when should I get this pair of shoes that I've been eyeing on.

Yup, remember I talked about crying over a pair of shoes? This is it. I just gotta have them.


Anyway, I need to have some self control. Haha.. I am so tempted to go to the mall again today to get them. But Dan doesn't wanna go with me. Hmmph!

Oh, I had a blast this weekend. Talk about painting the wall BROWN. Yeah, you hear me right.

par·a·noi·a Audio pronunciation of "paranoia." ( P ) Pronunciation Key (pr-noi)
n.

1. A psychotic disorder characterized by delusions of persecution with or without grandeur, often strenuously defended with apparent logic and reason.
2. Extreme, irrational distrust of others.




Yeah, I am talking about myself.

People think that I enjoy being paranoid. People think that I like being suspicious about every single thing. People think that I like it that I constantly worry/think about certain things that I do not even wanna think about. People think that I love living my life the way I am living right now.

People are wrong.

I am so tired of explaining myself. Why do I have to do this over and over again?

Nothing is perfect in this world. Nothing, nobody. Not me, not you.

I can be a nice helpful person with lots of sympathy for people yet I can be somebody who constantly thinking that I am being betrayed, being stabbed, being used, being taken for granted. I am constantly worried.

I am not an angel. I am not a saint. I am who I am and I have flaws for you to discover.

Take me as who I am. Tell me that I am hurting myself if I think the way I think. Not abandon me, giving up on me. Not judging my way of thinking. Not telling me that I am so wrong that I thin I am so stupid at times.

I hate voicing my opinions sometimes. I hate telling people how I feel sometimes. Everything would be perfect if I just bury everything inside me than to say hey, i feel this way about this, i feel that way about that. But then again, nothing is perfect. Nothing is good enough.

I am never good enough.

I feel good today!

A lady that I work with told me that I have beaufitul eyes. I was floating.. hehehe but then I turned and looked at her and I said, "thank you, but they are fake". lol

I love color contacts. It's always nice to have a change in my eye color sometimes. The turqouise ones that I bought two years ago (my favorite color) didn't really go well with my complexion. These grey ones are perfect. Dan said that I am trying to be like him. (he's got blueish grey eyes... damn it they are attractive!)

Then, the same lady told me that some dude was staring at me while I was working. It's weird that people at work like to do that. I think we need to get more female employees here. Anyway, I don't think I am good looking but it is always a complement that somebody said something nice about you, isn't it?


Ahhhhhh...

I feel so pampered. We went grocery shopping two days ago (Dan, Dan's mum and me). The plan was to get a digital camera at the electronics section for his dad. Somehow, I ended up buying bunch of groceries for myself. I didn't know that Dan's mum's gonna pay at the end. Well, the last time we went out, i paid for my own stuff. So i didn't expect her to pay for my things at all, seriously. When we were at the register, she insisted on paying for my food and stuff. I was so embarassed but at the same time I felt like crying. I felt like I am part of the family and she pampers me so much. She always buys me clothes and would tailored them for me if they don't fit me well. I have to say that I am really lucky to have met him and his family.

Haha, just feel like typing this out. I will be back later if I have time. So many things that I wanna tell.

The world is changing.

Rich people buy poshy cars, expensive branded clothes, shoes, wine and dine, jewelry, wives..etc...etc..

But you see, nowadays, people spend money here

Tempting?

Thanks to Dr. 90210.

Plastic surgery is in trend now, no?

I should be a plastic surgeon. *sigh* Imagine how much money I would make? How many pair of shoes I could get? How many breast implants I could perform? (well, not on myself, mind you)

The weather was extremely good last weekend. We decided to go outta the house.

We went shopping on Saturday. I bought myself a pair of bermuda pants, a dress, a skirt, a top and hmm yea that's about it. The most stupid thing was I got depressed over a pair of shoes that I wanted to buy. It's a long story. Oh well.

So, yeah, after done with shopping, I got so depressed I started crying in the car. hahaha. I know I know I am silly. Anyway, I still had a great Saturday. The best part of the day was staying up at night talking to Dan in bed till 6am the next day. Yup, we sure can talk. Haha.

Sunday was amazing. It was 71 degree out there. You know it that Spring's coming when you are wearing this:


We hadn't been seeing blue sky for a long time. I couldn't resist myself to take a couple shots when Dan's driving. It was bright and sunny although you can see there are some stormy clouds.



How could I not take pictures in the car??





Oh yeah, I want to say this
I LOVE MAGGIE MOO'S ICE CREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, weekend's over for me. It's Monday!!!! This is me, all ready to go to work!


More pictures coming up. I better get back to work.

It's so weird that my head can never fail to find something for me to worry about. Before I entered college, I was worried if engineering was the right path for me. After I got into colleeg, I began to worry if I could graduate. After I graduated, I was worried if I could get a job. Then I got a job, I was worried if the people in the company were going to like, if I was going to do a good job. After I started making progress I started to worry if the company is going to sponsor my work visa for me. Now the company has promised to sponsor my visa for me, I am worried if I am going to get laid off soon since they do not need as many staff anymore.

Why am I like this? Why??? Could someone please tell me?!

Yesterday was our anniversary. ;) My dear showed up at my door step with this gift in his hand. The “person” who wrapped the present was very artistic as you can see here.


Hehehehe. Anyway, for your information, I have my whole collection of Harry Potter Dvds!!!


I forced my dear to wear that huge ass ribbon. hehehehe Hey i am a good girlfriend!!


Then we went to our favorite restaurant “ Brugge Brasserie” for some good Belgian food. For starter, we had 2 lbs. Of Prince Edward Islang mussels with a cone of pomme frites (with fresh herb pesto and red curry dipping sauces) and warm French bread. The mussels were cooked in pot with crushed dragon teeth chili, garlic and cilantro. I guess we both were super hungry. We finished that big pot of mussels in no time! I had Belgian style veal and pork meatloaf with Roquefort sandwich for my entrée while Dan had a Pan roasted duck breast with sweet onion confit. I am not a big fan of the dinner I ordered. I guess it’s the blue cheese, the meat tasted like vomit. Heheheheh I forced Dan to finish them up for me. Haha! Well, we were so stuffed up at the end but we couldn’t resist that crepe suzette they have in the restaurant. It’s the best crepe we’ve ever had.

ugh.

i have not been feeling well and been staying home for awhile. my day usually starts at 4pm. Yeah, that's the time when I first step outta my bed and brush my teeth. It's 6:51pm now and I am still in my pjs and shh, i haven't brushed my teeth yet.

I am going to go off my pills gradually. I can't afford to be like this.

Why? Coz not going to work means not getting paid. I am practically broke and what worse? Spring is coming, I need new clothes and shoes! But I am stranded here being all sick and no money.

Going to get my visa application done. It's gonna cost me $1250. My lawyer's not gonna do anything for me unless I pay her the money first.

What kind of world is this?!?!?!?!?!

The REAL world.

bah.

Thank goodness that the weather's been getting milder each day. I'm getting sad though, well coz I can no longer wear my Michael Antonio boots!

ok...

this is pathetic.

it's now 2:24am and i am still counting sheeps.

i like a man who knows how to give a finger at person who interrupts him when he is working hard. hahahaha

for those of you who went to highschool with me, you should know that i used to have long black hair with nerdy looking bangs that my mum trimmed for me every once a month or so. people back in highschool used to make fun of my hair. i remember the malay boys (faizul was his name, pretty cute i should say). when i was in secondary 1, the bunch of malay boys liked to walk around and laughed at my bangs. they called me budak jepun (japanese kid) not because i was cute like japanese but coz of my hair was as retarded as those weird japanese girls. you know, those bangs like you cut using a bowl. plus i was wearing some big ass plastic frame glasses that my mum bought me (i came to find out that she tried to uglify me so that i wouldn't get involve with boys. not to say i was pretty. i don't have that word in my dictionary. she just made my world worse for me. hehehehehe ha.. its tough growing up. haha)guys ran away from me. plus i didn't like them anyway!

bleh.

i went through an episode of being a rebellious kid. i was into heavy metal and dark world. hehe it was silly though. s4ints used to tell me that i reminded him of alanis morissette. she wasn't a rocker but there's something about her that i was very fascinated about. maybe we both like india? ah.

in case you haven't realize, my family was pretty strict back then about my appearance, my behavior and stuff like that. Probably cause of the fact that I was the only girl in the family and they were being super protective about me. I was not supposed to date until I am done with my university studies. I was not supposed to talk to guys on the phone, not to mention about going out with anybody except a couple girl friends (who turned out to be my best friends in my life) that my mum approved of.

Being the stubborn me however, decide to go on my way. Well, not all the way but there are things that I don’t do according to what my family wanted me to. Like leaving home for united states (which they said its too far from home and not too many Asians around and my answer was, THAT IS WHY I AM GOING THERE!), dyeing my hair.. hahaha, wearing color contacts (which my mum freaked out one time when I told her that I got colored contacts) I don’t see the big deal of all these crap but to them it’s like WHOAAA.

I go around my hometown wearing super short shorts, with my hair all dyed, nails painted. My boys came to me and said, “jie, ever since you came back from united states, you getting to look like Ah Lian.” (ah lian is the term we use back home to describe uneducated girls who curse all the time, sorta like that) grandma said, don’t wear such short shorts, you look like you are walking around with your panties. Don’t expose your belly button, you’ll get gassy stomach. LoL. She says that everytime she sees me when I go home for visit once a year.

I don’t know the point of me writing all these today. I am bored. Just feel like talking.

I guess what I am trying to say that I have been trying to find my identity and be myself? Haha I don’t know.

Called up my dad last night. I wonder why he is so concern about my weight. Oh, and also if I am still taking antidepressant. Hehe.

I was looking at my old pictures.. I really miss my long black hair..


then, i went through a period of heartache and i decided i should let go certain things in my life and be a brand new person. and so i cut my hair and even changed my eye color. haha


last night of smoking my ass off..


started to dye my hair like crazy..






then i went for a darker shade and a bob cut.. hehe my roommate laughed her butt off when she first saw me. she said it was goddamn retro, damn aunty look.


hehehe i dont know but i thought it was cute. my bros made fun of me though. bah. it was fun.

and now here i am today, playing with my make up kit. hehehehe



i don't put make up everyday. hehe. as you can see i am lazy like hell. usually i put on moisturizer, mascara and blusher when i go to work. on special occasion, like going out on weekend, i'll put on some eyeshadows and lip gloss.

i like neutrogena face foundation first of all its freakin cheap second of all, its not that bad at all. i used to have clarins which was amazing. normally i mix it with my moisturizer so i don't look to cake up. i dont like having tons of stuff on my face. i like maybelline mascara, cheap and good. when it comes to eyeshadows, i love m.a.c. hehehe can't you tell? i have the browns and golds. the next plan is to get the greys and silvers. i adorrrrre lancome juicy tube! i like lancome star gloss too, they are more long lasting. june, you should totally get them. they don't dry up your lips! shishedo pressed powder is the best i have used. oh and brushes.. i am using m.a.c ahhh i am a big fan of mac.

sorry. i am very "hiao" today. hahahaha

have i told you that i love horses? anyway, my dear said that one day i will have my own horses.. hehehe

yesterday i turned to him and i said, when we have a daughter next time, i am going to put her to showjumping classes where she can then take part in horse showjumping competition.

if i have a chance, i would like to take showjumping classes too.

well, in case you don't know, this is showjumping:



then i started looking at prices. i think this girl is beautiful. but she costs $30,000!

i have a thing for black horses. i don't know why.

oh hey, we went for horse back riding last year!









i want a horse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lonely friday night..

well, this is the first time i am spending my weekend alone. it sucks. i can't wait to see my dear on sunday!

stoopid army!

to my dear friends, i am sorry that my previous post worried the crap outta you. didn't mean to scare you like that. the thing is, i am just a human being. i get emotional at times, especially when i am about to get my monthly thingy, you know what i mean. :P

hehe..

s4ints, it's sweet of you to be such concern about me. i truly want you to know that i have found the one who makes me the happy person i never thought i could be. however, i get sad at times. yet, i am not the same sad ass i used to be. i fall at times but i get to pull myself up after awhile. don't you worry. i am getting strong and i am so happy in love and life i wish you could see it.

june, you put a huge smile on my face with that comment you posted. you are why i have been telling people that my girl friends back home are the precious gifts i can get in this world. nobody could replace any one of you girls back home.

tim, you are a wonderful friend eventhough i have never talked to you in person but you are definitely awesome!

hehe, i love coffee. it turns me mushy. hahaha

and i love you, Dan Duval! :D