I am so tired of dealing with people. People who are around me. I mean, people who are around me 8:30am to 6pm Mon to Fri.

I am in need of a change. I am in need of a fucking change!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the reason why i left my country was the fact that i was surrounded by too many asians. i seriously i cannot stand their attitude. not to say that i am not an asian myself. but i really hate it when they are being so rude. it's such humiliating.

some lady from the business department kinda yelled at me on the phone. (it's their culture to yell at people for some reason). first of all, it was loud. second of all, i can't understand her spoken english.

i was furious.

so i explained slowly to her what i was saying so that she would understand me more. see, the thing is, she doesn't know english well, yet she likes to speak english to me. on the other hand, i can speak chinese, i tried to speak chinese to her so that she'd get what i'm trying to say but she insisted to communicate in a language that she can't even speak and ended up being mad at me.

what the...

I must say that I am very lucky. After all the struggle and threats, I am finally filing for my visa - my biggest fear of all ever since I graduated college.

I believe in myself that I am going to be really successful one day. I will not let anybody especially my mum down.

Also, I need to be successful in order to buy all the stuff that I always wanna buy. hahahahahahaha Hey that's a good motivation, don't ya think?

I had a "alone" session with my boss. It wasn't very pleasant. I tried to stay positive for 2 hours and when Dan came back from school, I couldn't hold it anymore and cried my eyeballs out.

Things are not as easy as people think they are. "oh, it's okay, it's only a job.. blablabla"

This means a lot to me. It is not only a job, it is a responsibility, a way to show people that you are worth respect of, a chance to prove yourself, not only to people but most of all, i wanna prove it to myself that I am not as weak as I always think I am.

I am not against anybody. I am not competing with anyone. My biggest enemy is myself and I need to overcome that image that I have in my head.

However, today, things seem to be falling into places, in a more obvious way.

I am thankful of every good things that happened to me, and all the good things that are going to happen to me. I am grateful that I had all the tough time before. It made me a strong person. I have seen a different side of the society. I am not saying that I have seen a lot. But I just feel like I am grown up quite a bit after all this time.

I had been sad. I complained when I am sad. But now that I look back, if I weren't sad before, I wouldn't have realized how happy I am right now with my life.

Tomorrow is always a better day!

popped a pill and hope tomorrow's a better day.........

i've been trying to force myself to read. well, i remember back then i had hard time to concentrate on anything. now that i am feeling better, i am starting to hit back to the books that i've been missing all these while.

i like dalai lama's teaching. i know that we get beaten down by things in life once in awhile, and i know for me, it affects my mind hard. there are times when i had to pull myself up and i fell over and over again.

dalai lama books help me.

i am reading this right now:


i recommend this book to anyone of you who gets sad at times and feel that there's no hope in this world.

my next book will be:

*gasp* What is that?? What is that??? DHL man came today while I was parking my car at the parking lot. I ran towards him and said, yes yes this package for me!!! I was so excited you have no idea.  

My new shoes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Absolutely gorgeous........ I am going to hug them to bed tonight. Oh, have I mentioned that it's Dan who spotted this shoes?? Good taste I must say! ;o) 

I am a shoes freak and I AM NOT SORRY!!!! 

A kick at Dan's face (not shown in picture). Heheheheh I love you Dan! (psst, we should make full use of our sick boyfriend. They can't fight back)
 

Dan: OUCH!!! 

dear all,

dan and i are both sick. it's been two days now. he is finally taking a nap. poor thing, he got his throat all swell up. i am on my way to get seriously sick. trying to drink more water and avoid taking spicy/oily food.

good news.

i finally got myself that pair of shoes from nordstrom. cost me $95! hehehehehe..

last weekend i bought myself a pair of jeans and a pair of denim miniskirt from hollister and 4 t-shirts from pacsun

do i hear summer??
YEAH!

do i hear work harder for bigger paycheck and more shopping??
HELL YEAH!!!!

do i hear dan banging his head and say jesus kels, its time for you to save some money?
OH GOD....

teeheee

Dan picked up my diploma for me couple days ago. I had tears in my eyes when I first saw it. This is a USD30,000 diploma. Mostly, it is my mom's life. I had lost of sad memories when Dan passed it to me. Well, I came here with my mum's life insurance claim. She passed away a year before I came here due to lung cancer. Without her, I would be eating grass somewhere right now.

A big part of my depression came from attaining this piece of paper. Physics and calculus were my weakest subjects in school. I hated technology. I still do. I remember I swore in my high school year. “I am not going to go for engineering school or technology crap”.

But, coming from a preeeeetty conservative family, being the eldest grandchild, I need to be a role model to the rest of the kids in the family. “You should be a doctor, maybe a pediatrician would be good”, “Hey, have you thought of gynecologist?”, “You should be an engineer”, “You should be a pharmacist”, “You should be a businesswoman”

Had anybody thought of what I wanted to be??????

I can’t blame it on anyone that I chose engineering. Besides, nobody put a gun on my head telling me that, “hey, if you don’t go for engineering, you’re gonna die”

I started off as a business major student. The first year of school was pretty easy. I never needed to study and I had straight A’s for all my business classes. So I thought, okay, what kind of life is this when there is no challenge at all? I decided to switch from International Business to Electrical Engineering.

After I started with my engineering classes, I realized how much I HATE ENGINEERING! I cried talking to my mum several times telling her that I could not stand it anymore. The classes make me sad because I did not have interest in them. My mummy said, “Shi, (my chinese name) it is only 4 years of tough time, after this 4 years, you will make big bucks and people will respect you.” So I wiped my tears, bit my teeth.

I failed 4 times of my programming class. My professor had a good talk with me in his office. “I don’t think you are suitable for engineering. You do not have logic at all”. It was a big ouch when he said that. But, I answered him with, “I don’t think I should give up engineering just because I can’t pass my programming class. I don’t think I should give up engineering just because it is difficult. I believe I’ll be able to do it at the end as long as I have faith in myself.” I shut him up. All he said to me at the end was, “It’s good that you think this way.”

Did I really have faith in myself? I really don’t know. There were times when I scored badly in tests, I came home slapping my face in front of the mirror till it’s swollen for days. I scratched myself when I looked at people being so happy in school with what they’re doing. They loved when they were studying. I looked at myself and all I saw was sadness. I cut myself times when I started to feel so much pain and nobody seemed to understand what I’d gone through. My best friend was my blue blade which got thrown away last year by somebody. My blue blade helped me in all the years when I had my sorrows and nobody knew. Everybody thought I was a cheerful girl with no worries. I guess I was good in putting on a mask.

But, after all these years of struggle, I finally made it. I can’t help but to give myself a pat on my back that I did not end up killing myself (which I so thought that I was going to do it before I graduate) I have a long road in front of me. I know that things are going to go smoothly for me from now onwards.

I need to thank my mummy. For she’s the one who gave me hope when I was down. Mummy, thank you. I love you and I miss you with all my heart. There is no one day that I don’t dream about you. This is for you..