i have been waking up frustrated lately and i have no idea why. maybe coz of the fact that i am waiting to get back to the work force and stop feeling such a bum everyday. i just can't help feeling like a piece of crap.

the first thing i did this morning was having an "argument" with saint over the msn. yeah, instant messenger works like magic, you can actually get into ugly situation with someone who's on the other half of the globe. sorry pal, it was my bad that i misunderstood you. i have to apologize. i snap easily nowadays. pms. did i mention that i am having my period tomorrow? please forgive me.

hehe

i wonder why, some company thinks that they are some big shot. constantly changing the appointment date and time. they think that i am the kind of person sitting home waiting for them to say hey come here we can interview you today, oh wait, tomorrow, oh no wait, next week. okay, then they decided to wake me up at 7 freakin AM to say hey we cant make it today.

and you know what?

I HAVE A JOB NOW AND I DONT NEED YOU TO FUCK AROUND WITH MY SCHEDULE.

not that i have tons to things to do anyway, but at least you should have some courtesy to call me maybe a day earlier or 9am. why 7am?! you just ruined the rest of my day for me. what a dumbfuck.

you know, before this, i always like to imagine myself to be a "lai lai" one day. you know, those kind who marry rich old man and then all they do everyday is to stir coffee with other "lai lais", gossipping about other poor women who can't stir coffee with us, go for mani pedi together, then go shopping at expensive mall and buying all the shoes and handbags that i like. when it's about time for rich husband to come back, we go home and get the dinner ready (or some cases we should have a maid who does all those crap for us.. god i miss that!) then lomantik a bit with husband and whaalaaa, the day's over.

but no, although i am sitting home nowadays, i get to have all the time i want to paint all my twenty fucking nails, i feel like a freakin loser.

i got my degree in engineering and all i can do is cleaning the house and cooking.

I WANT TO GO TO WORK FOR GOD SAKE!

yes yes yes, i always contradict myself. dan is right. it is hard to please me because i am never a happy person.

yeah, i am not happy. no matter what happen, no matter i am rich or poor, healthy or not, i am always not happy!

why is that?

people like me should just be alone and think of what the fuck i want in my life.

life is like a dream. one day you wake up and you find out that what you see everyday is just a goddamn dream.

so...

i am officially labeled as vain and desperate.

i was wondering around the mall alone. Ended up buying myself a pair of shoes, which is not the point. i went to jewelry stores and tried out diamond rings.

i feel like slapping myself so that i would wake up from my stupid dream.

Yello people!

It’s weird, isn’t it, when you are from where you are from and yet, you feel it awkward to hangout with people from your country?

Two days ago, I went out for dinner with a bunch of Malaysians (that’s where I was from) Okay, these people never wanna go out with me, well I should say that I was never invited even though my roommate hangs out with them all the time (she’s Malaysian too) which eventually I was kicked outta the circle (FYI, Malaysians here are typically very close with each other, excluding me) So, two days ago, for the very first time, my roommate asked me to join them. I was shocked. So I went out with them. We had dinner at the Cheesecake Factory and one of them paid the entire bill (roughly about $200).

The whole time at the restaurant, I was thinking to myself, why the hell am I here? I was talking to them alright, yet they talk so much about things that I don’t know. Or things that they plan to do next which I am not welcomed. It’s awkward.

Later on we went for a bar for drinks which also, paid by the same girl. I think she spent about $300 that night (RM1200) on people that aren’t even worth spending money on. I feel sorry for her.

Well, I shouldn’t let my mood go haywire coz of this bunch of hypocrite. It’s just I don’t know why people from my country always like to behave in a way that make me despise them.

I am not saying that I am better. But at least, I do not judge. At least, I am more understanding than any one of them.

Still, I see them, I try to hang out with them at times, after all, they are Malaysians. However, I must admit that every time I see them it makes me wanna bite my tongue off.

Oh and I got a job! Heheh Don’t ask me how much I get paid. I have no idea. But I am eyeing on stuff that I wanna get. Hahahahahahha Dan, don’t freak out. I am just admiring those stuff okay. It’s not like I have to have it. I promise I won’t cry if I can’t have them.

I don’t know if it’s growing up or what. I don’t know why that I am getting attached to the feelings of wanting things that are not necessary to have. It’s a shame.

I drove an hour today to Camp Atterbury to see Dan. It's family day for them. I got to spend a precious 4 hours with him. And of course, lot's of "PDA" (if you know what I mean). Can't help it!!! hahaha.. He's going to be out in the field for the next couple of days so I won't be able to even speak to him (not that i get to talk to him at all on the phone everyday). But, he's gonna be back on Saturday. I can't wait. Here are some of the pictures that we took today.  

It's wonderful to be able to see you, my dear.  

Helicopters! And also a crack on my windshield. 

A "Tank Crossing" sign. Bet you don't see that everyday. What makes it even more special?? It's full of bulletholes! WOW 

Da MAN! 

This is the artillery that Dan and his squad fires. It's called "Charlie 2" Hmmm.... I love a man who fires artillery. hehe 

Dan and I. I made him to drive. See, I don't know the way very well in the camp and it's distracting to drive and take pictures at the same time. So...... 

This is the "jail" for the criminals. Yes, it is in the camp itself too. I was surprised when I first saw it. Coz it seems so comfortable staying there. They get to walk around in the gated area and play basketball under the sun if they want to, there are also free weights available for them. Once in a while, if a car drives by with a girl in it, they will turn their head 360 degree to stare at her. Yeah, life is wonderful. I told Dan that if i am broke and have no job, I would like to stay there for awhile. I might be healthier, you know, no stress but exercising. Heheh 

Tanks! 

Goodbye Camp Atterbury.... Goodbye Dan... and I'll see you on Saturday!!!!!! I CAN"T WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Yay! My hair is finally getting longer, a bit.  

psst, i am getting so fat now I have to tilt my face now when I take pictures. 

What the hell are you looking at? Geeeez...... Okay, my life is officially pathetic. It's Friday night and i am home taking "self portrait". I was playing with my camera setting and i found out that, hey I can take black and white picture. Talk about having this camera for about 1.5 years now. Shame on me! 

I wasn't trying to "act cute" or anything. I peeled a skin off my lip and it kinda hurt. lol. I am serious! hehe. It's weird that the color of this picture has a old newpaper feeling to it. Don't you think so? 

Boy, I am such an attached girlfriend. I hadn't talk to Dan for 2 days and today, the 8minutes and 25seconds call was the best time I have ever had for these past 2 days. Not to mention that I got to cry my eyeballs out and with him saying that all he wants to do is to see me. We were even discussing about me sneaking in to the camp just to be able to see him for awhile. But you know, that's risky. I don't wanna put him in jail.

I still feel sick and it's been so many days. My throat has been hurting since a week ago. It is getting worse and worse which makes me wonder if I am getting some kind of cancer.

mummy..daddy...

i am sorry i let you down.

There are so many things that I regret of. I could have been more hardworking when I was in school back then. Now it makes it so hard to get a job. Everybody’s asking for a goddamn piece of transcript. And you know what, once they see my transcript, no matter how much they liked me, they are going to say goodbye to me.

I am getting so uncontrollably sad now. I just had a phone interview with some company. They seem to like me. However, they would like to decide on hiring me depending on my college transcript, since I do not have much technical job experience.

I am not going to say that the world’s not fair. It serves me right that I didn’t study back then and I screwed up almost all of my engineering classes. Now that I am jobless and desperately finding one and I realize that I am not going anywhere with my goddamn result that I have carry around with me.

What am I still good for?? Besides walking around talking to people and cracking jokes, I am just a nothing.

Why the hell did I quit my job at the first place? I thought that it was smart of me to step out of the shit hole and yet, look at me right now. I am in a bigger hole that I have been digging for myself without me knowing it.

I am not going to say that I am giving up. If I admit that I am giving up, there is no way I am going to see another tomorrow.

Life officially sucks big time.

Money is getting less and less each day, depressing mood is increasing by minute. Stress is accumulating with me staying home the whole time.

Tell me, what am I good for?

I fucking hate my life.

I feel like a crack user. Withdrawing from antidepressant isn’t a smart thing to do. I am so dizzy it’s not even funny.

I am counting down the day I get to see Dan again. He left last Saturday for his two weeks annual training and the only day I could see him is family day which is this Sunday. I have already had my outfit picked up. At the meantime, I am trying to workout as much as I can coz I wanna look pretty and toned when I see him. Hehehehehe. Well, what else can I do? Going to the gym is free anyway. I can’t do much without having income can i?

I guess this is how I should keep myself happy – looking forward to something.

To be frank, I am a lil scared. I am so scared of going back to before when I had to crawl to the psychiatrist and therapist asking for help. It makes me worried, what would become of me if I am who I was?

The thing is, the same thing that made me sad before is making me sad now. For some reason, there are always people that like to drop by my path of life and throw some rocks to trip me. They know exactly my weakness and they know if they say something, or do something, I will get it. I will be sad and sorry. I will then lock myself in my room and hide from everything.

And it happened again today. I am not going to say what, but I am trying to avoid thinking about it. Yet, whatever the person said to me keeps repeating in my head, no matter how much I tell myself to stop it already.

It is embarrassing when I have to depend on drugs to make me feel better. Why can’t I be like others where I could pull myself up when I fall, instead of running away from it, or blaming myself for everything that happened?

I am crying again. Shit.

I am worried that I will be sad again and I will lose everything that I have. People who love me will eventually find me annoying and useless and give up me on one day. Nobody likes to be around people who are always sad.

I am worried that I am going to be worried.

To Shawn who killed himself in China. I know how you feel and I believe you are free from pain now.

what's the best thing to do in summer? Sun tanning!!!!!!!!!!!! Here's my roommate... 

and i... 

I love laying under the sun!! 

self portrait... aw.. how vain... 

And then all of the sudden... a fly flew into my nostril... lol.. i was just being stupid. i think i look gorgeous in this picture. dont you think so? hehe 

Dan had this giant giraffe sent to my apartment. heheheheh i had tears in my eyes when i opened the package. He's so silly. I love you Dan! 

theres a chinese saying..

if you are mad at people, it means that you do not have enough inner peace in yourself and that makes you an ugly person.

so...

i must breath in and out.......

calm down.... dont be mad at those fuckers.

hehehe

i can't sleep. i am not used to going to bed at night alone knowing that if i wake up tomorrow, dan is not going to be around. what's the point of going to bed then? but then again, what the hell am i supposed to do staying awake? i've watched all 9 seasons of friends in 3 days and i have only one season to go. what am i going to do when i am done with all the friends seasons? rewatch them? this is the fifth time i am rewatching them.

good god.

theres not much to do lately. i am pretty tight in the pocket. so i kinda restrict myself from going out shopping and stuff. who knows what i might end up buying to ease my empty heart? if you don't know me, i have a compulsive shopping behavior. i shop more when i am sad and lonely.

i couldn't sleep last night. i was getting worried and shit. so i picked up my keys and went to grocery store (since that's the only place that's opened at 12am besides bars and clubs of course). so, i went to the store and bought myself eight pieces of cut up rotisserie chicken. got home, made myself a cup of green tea and i sat in front of my tv, munched in 4 pieces of chicken and two big cups of tea.

i woke up this morning feeling all fat and greasy. ugh. so i decided to go to gym. at least i can watch some tv and sweat my fat out. i think i am getting to be so fat without having a job. i get worried a lot and the only thing to distract my thoughts's to cook and eat.

but.... I DON"T WANT TO BE FAT!!!! but, if i am not fat, i will not have my boobies. for goodness sake they just developed. if i lose some weight now, it means i am going to lose my babies. these things are precious.

but then again, i don't have to have boobs to feel pretty. kiera knightly was voted this year 3rd hottest FHM girl. she doesn't have boobs herself. lol. one day i will be on there. you'll see. hehehehehhe

okay..........

i think i am going to lie down on my bed and think about what i think about.

it's 10pm and i am listening to my mp3 player. apparently some bastards staying upstairs think that i am loud. they don't even know how loud they are all the time walking around the apartment like they weight 500lbs.

why the fuck you have to bang on the wall just because my music is a lil loud? for a while i thought someone was trying to break into my apartment or something.

i am going to move outta this freakin ghetto. luxury apartment my motherfucking ass.

i am singing out loud now with my music playing in my earphones.

eat this!

Dear all,

Dan left this morning for his annual training. It sucks for him to be in the army and it sucks that he has to be away for TWO FREAKIN' WEEKS!

It wasn't easy this morning saying bye to him.

I just love these roses.... 

I like a hint of red in them. Gorgeous. 

Dan and I with Vincent's (my ex bf) family. They came to attend his graduation.  

Dan and I. 

say CHEEEEEEEEEEESE........!!