i wonder why i feel like crap today. is it because i didn't sleep well last night or is it coz of the stress that i have been having lately?

i am losing weight, i have been losing appetite to eat or to even do anything. i am losing interest in moving into a new house. i am lost.

and i just don't understand how could this happen? i just had my period, it shouldn't be pms.

so what the hell is wrong with me????????

this is the 6th day of me being sick. it is starting to make me wonder why am i still alive?

people around me don't seem to understand that i do not have good health and it is not my choice to get sick. people at work being cold to me as if it is my fault that i fall sick and not being able to come in to work. yet they forget how much crap i put in last week in my work in order to rush things through and get things done.

i wonder why people will always remember negative (is being sick negative?) things about you yet forget about all the great things that you have done.

no appreciation.

what is the point to be around people who dont appreciate my existence then?

my head is telling me to move on and go somewhere else, yet going somewhere else doesnt mean that i won't be sick again and people won't be a bitch to me when i am sick.

i asked my roommate today, why did my mom give birth to me and make me suffer? she said, "what the hell is wrong with you? why are you asking sad question like this?"

hmm.. maybe sad people ask sad questions? maybe sad people can't think of anything happier than that?

yes, i know i have so many good things happening to me right now, a job is a job. yet, i see them 8.5 hours a day and its dreadful when they treat me like that (or maybe it is just my imagination) i would rather to be alone than to be around people.

i don't know how many people i have to avoid being around with just to make me happy. first i avoid seeing friends, since they know every single way to put me down, now i avoid seeing co-workers, which is worse, knowing the fact that its work and i HAVE TO go to work to be able to live my fucking life.

i need someone/something to pull me out. i am falling and if i fall this time i am going to fall hard..

maybe i will feel better when dan is back. i hate this feeling...

Hello all,

Here are the pictures we took on the day we got engaged!


Dan's driving (after he proposed in the art gallery). We were going towards Lilly's House (Eli Lilly's House at Museum of Art compound).



This is me all happy and engaged! hehehe



This is my ring, on my finger, looking all excited.. :P



We took a picture in front of this LOVE sign. You can see the Musuem of Art if right behind the sign. And that's where we got engaged! :)



Later that night we had dinner at Melting Pot where we had a gigantic 3 course meal (cheese fondue appetizer which was extremely filling, then filet mignon, tiger shrimps, chicken and pork shabu shabu style, lastly, chocolate fondue for desert. We also had some cocktails and boy i was drunk. lol)

I have to say that I am still very excited being Mrs. Duval :D

Ladies and gentlemen,

Dan and I are finally ENGAGED yesterday September 10th, 2006!! heheheh

And have i mentioned that I have the BEST ring in the whole wide world?? hehehehe

Dan, I love you! You are amazing!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn’t get to sleep much last night coz of this DAMN thing.


I was awake most if the time putting on local anesthetic and hoping that the pain would go away. Eventually I dozed off at around 3:30am.

Right I was asleep I had the weirdest dream. I dreamt that my uncle who married my aunt (dad’s sister) came into my apartment with my aunt and told me that he is going to leave her with me for awhile coz she wanted to visit me. So okay, since it’s 3am, I told her that she could come to bed with me. But she didn’t want to. Instead she told me to let her lay down on the floor. And so I did. Before that, I took her a tour in my apartment. I wanted to take a picture with her in my bathroom (yeah I know, bathroom) but she said no. So we went to bed. Later at about 5 something in the morning, she got up and she said she had to go. Before I opened up the front door for her, she turned to me and said, “Shi, don’t be scared okay, but I am dead already.” And outside the apartment you can see there was tent set up and it was her funeral.

Yes I know.. the dream just seemed so real that I didn’t even think that she’s not here anymore. For your information, my aunt passed away last year due to leukemia. I did not have a chance to bid her goodbye and so every now and then I regret that I did not get to say a proper goodbye to her, I should have at least gave her a BIG hug before I came back here two years ago. Instead I told her to be strong and get well soon and I cried and she just stared at me and said “you take good care of your health okay? Health is the most important thing.”

I guess I have been thinking so much of her lately and so she came into my dream so often. I told my bros about it and they both think that it is the fact that we were born on the same day August 14th, that’s why I always dream about her. But, I dream about my mum too even though we were not born on the same day.

Well, all I can think of is that I constantly regret of so many things that I wish I could have done and that’s why things that I think about so much appear in my dream.

I always say that my dreamland can sometime be the happiest place I can be. I get to see the loved ones that I yearned to see. I get to touch them, to talk to them, to feel that they are so close to me…

I wonder what I am going to dream about tonight. Who am I going to dream of..

sometimes there are things that make me feel like a baby..

come on, just babyfeed me... you know i like it.